


The Red Herring Play

by Mirianna



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Developing Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Humor, M/M, Memes, Soulmates, memes everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:51:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6640297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirianna/pseuds/Mirianna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><span class="u">The Red Herring</span><br/>A Play in Seven Acts<br/>By Dopheld Mitaka</p><p>A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a single man managed to screw over the Force so bad, there are still repercussions from his fuck up two generations later. This man is Anakin Skywalker and his offspring are still trying to atone for his sins. Little does Anakin know, he might actually get a chance at redemption, if only he can bring is grandson on the right path. A play about love, loyalty and, most of all, passion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Red Hot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anorlost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost/gifts).



> Well, transferring the fic to AO3 was a total disaster! I created a skin to emulate the format of a play and sadly it doesn't work on mobile, so you might want to turn the 'Work Skin' off if you are reading this from your mobile device! 
> 
> This was an amazing experience, I got to try a style I never worked with before and it was quite fun! There's ton of credit to distribute because I couldn't have pull it off without all the help I got! Major thanks to the KBB Skype group filled with wonderful people (Ducky, Molly, ...) ! Also huge thanks to my beta [Al](http://valiantbarnes.tumblr.com/), my young padawan [Mirita](http://doremi391.tumblr.com/), the wonderful [Rex Magnus](rexmagnus) for bouncing ideas with me and last but least [this hilarious dialog](http://jadaibergolla.tumblr.com/post/138698678815/windu-bitch-wat-yoda-bitch-u-kno) that helped me finish the last chapter. Oh! And thank you to [Know Your Meme](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/rickroll) that gave me 80% of the writing material. 
> 
> Prompts: "Kylo being fascinated by Hux's hair." & "Kylo meeting Hux for the first time and having a gay crisis." I tried to add some "Hux is completely oblivious when it comes to people trying to seduce him" but I feel like I didn't quite pull it off.
> 
> Bonne Lecture!
> 
> P.S.: Memes. Memes everywhere. You have been warned.  
> P.P.s.: I've hidden a couple of eggs, cookies if you find them!

  
THE RED HERRING  
A Play in Seven Acts  
by  
Dopheld Mitaka

Cast of Characters

[REDACTED]

Scene  
Jedi Temple

Time  
8 years after the Battle of Endor

  
ACT I  
Red Hot

SCENE I  


SETTING:

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a single man managed to screw over the Force so bad, there are still repercussions from his fuck up two generations later. This man is ANAKIN SKYWALKER and his offspring are still trying to atone for his sins. LUKE SKYWALKER is on Yavin IV teaching a new generation of Jedi, starting with his nephew BEN SOLO.

AT RISE:

BEN SOLO is watching a holocron with rapt interest, the sun high in the sky making the old temple somewhat lighter, as the glowing man speaks calmly despite the heaviness of his words. BEN has viewed the holocron many times and mouths along with OBI-WAN KENOBI.

[KENOBI](http://imgur.com/g12i1uJ)  
(Blueish hologram speaking solemnly)  
“If you’re seeing this, it’s too late, both the Jedi and the Republic have fallen, with the dark shadow of the Empire rising... 

(BEN is mouthing along trying to mimic the accent but not disciplined enough to achieve his goal)

… This message is a warning and a reminder for any surviving Jedi: Trust in the force. Do not return to the Temple. That time has passed, and our future is uncertain. We will each be challenged. Our trust. Our faith. Our friendship. But we must persevere and in time a new hope will emerge. May the force be with you. Always.”

BEN  
(Looks at the holocron with adoration)  
How I wished I’d known you old Ben! My parents told me so few stories about you!

(A man appears out of thin air, then a second)

ANAKIN  
(Force Ghost, standing a few feet away and glowing with a blue hue)  
See, this here is my grand-son Ben Solo, named after my master Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was killed long ago.

OBI-WAN  
(Force Ghost, standing right next to ANAKIN, looking mildly disgruntled and glowing with a blue hue)  
You know I am standing next to you, right Anakin?

ANAKIN  
(Grinning)  
I killed him. Sometimes I can still hear him speak.

OBI-WAN  
(Looking annoyed, crossing his arms under his brown Jedi robes)  
Anakin you will cease this annoying rambling and you will tell the story properly.

ANAKIN  
(Pouting but obediently complying)  
Ben has a difficult life. His parents love each other, sadly they only do when they are far away from each other. So my grand-son was sent to his uncle’s Jedi Temple to learn the ways of the Force.

BEN  
(The holocron starts over and Ben recites along)  
“This is Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. I regret to report that both…”

ANAKIN  
(Looking fondly at the boy before shaking his head and continue his story)  
Ben had a few secrets he kept away from his Jedi Master.

(ANAKIN raises a hand and lifts a finger)

First, he was hearing a voice telling him to do bad things...

(Another finger is raised)

Second, he had an unhealthy crush on a man dead a dozen or so years ago and way too old for him.

OBI-WAN  
(Facepalming and groaning)  
Please stop.

ANAKIN  
(Raising a third finger)  
And don’t get me started on how strong he is with the Force.

OBI-WAN  
(Sarcastic and unapologetic)  
He also still wets his bed.

ANAKIN  
(Insulted and sputtering)  
Don’t…. Don’t talk about my grand-son like that!

OBI-WAN  
(Rolling his eyes and making a gesture with his hand in a motion to go on)  
Please finish telling the story so I can go back and play sabacc with Yoda and Windu.

ANAKIN  
(Grumpy, shouting before finishing with gritted teeth)  
FINE! Ben Solo at this age already knew he had a soft spot for gingers.

YODA:  
(Appearing next to ANAKIN, Force Ghost, holding a cane, giggling and glowing with a blue hue)  
Not the only Skywalker with that soft spot, he is!

OBI-WAN  
(Smiling and nodding at YODA)  
Master Yoda! Always on point with the sick burns.

YODA  
(Nodding, looking at BEN)  
Ah, young Solo’s story, telling you are Anakin! Stay, I might.

ANAKIN  
(Dramatically flips his black Jedi robes and paces)  
Where was I?

(Stops dead in his tracks)

Ah yes!

(Turns toward OBI-WAN with a smile)

Young Ben is trying to hide his crush on Master Obi-Wan from Luke. It’s his first time seeing a redhead and he’s very impressed by the hair color.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT I

SCENE II

BEN  
(Closing the holocron as a noise is heard behind him)  
Who’s there?

ANAKIN  
(Shaking OBI-WAN by his robe, grinning like a maniac)  
IT’S MY SON, OBI-WAN! MY SON LUKE! HI LUKE!

LUKE  
(Walks in, pushing a vine away with the Force, looking calm, nodding at the Force Ghosts)  
It’s me, Ben. I’ve been looking for you, it’s time to go meditate.

YODA  
More disciplined, Luke is now. Good this is. 

BEN  
(Looking like he got caught doing something bad)  
I’m ready, Master Luke.

(Luke sits down in front of Ben, watching the young Padawan mirroring his pose)

LUKE  
(Breathing in deeply, closing his eyes)  
Let go of your feelings Ben. Connect with the Force.

BEN  
(Closing his eyes and scrunching his nose. Tries to calm down but after fidgeting for a while he sighs.)  
Can you tell me more about Obi-Wan Kenobi?

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head no)  
Please do not enable the youngling, Luke.

LUKE  
(Trying not to smile, barely keeping a straight face)  
He was such a wise man. Patient, caring, and kind. He had the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.

OBI-WAN  
Luke Skywalker I will tell your DAD!

LUKE  
(Covers his mouth and stiffles a giggle)  
He’s shy, doesn’t like to be praised.

BEN  
(Opening his eyes, excited. Yells loudly)  
YOU CAN SEE HIM MASTER LUKE?

(BEN is clearly jealous, biting his lips and furrowing his brow)

LUKE  
(Eyes still closed, makes a gesture with his hand, sending a wave of calmness through the Force)  
Yes, Ben. You could see him too, if you were more disciplined.

YODA  
Run in the family, discipline does not.

(Looks at ANAKIN)

BEN  
(Closing his eyes and sighing)  
Yes, Master.

(They stay in silence, meditating, when BEN jumps)

BEN  
(Excited, straining to keep his eyes closed)  
I see someone! But… it’s a boy.

ANAKIN  
(Gasping, excited)  
Ben is seeing his soulmate in this moment! 

LUKE  
(Calm, nodding his head)  
Describe him to me. Concentrate Ben.

OBI-WAN  
This promises to be good.

BEN  
(Clenching his eyes tighter, fists closing)  
He’s older than me. Wearing some kind of uniform…

(A deep frown forms on the face of the young Padawan)

He’s got red hair.

ANAKIN  
(Makes an obnoxious face)  
He’s always a slut for redheads

OBI-WAN  
(Insulted)  
Anakin, for Force’s sake, the boy is eight.

LUKE  
(Smiling despite himself, clears his throat and gently encourages BEN)  
Can you see more? Where he is or what’s he’s saying?

(Ben concentrates harder, breath coming shorter, sweat pearling on his forehead)

YODA  
About to burst, Ben is.

ANAKIN  
I want a peek at this boy!

(Walks next to BEN and hovers a hand above his head  
A blurry vision appears of a redhead boy in a grey uniform taking an exam seen from the back)

That’s a stupid angle we can’t see his face!

OBI-WAN  
Gingers are quite rare in the universe, it’ll be easy to find him. 

BEN  
(Opening his eyes and gasping)  
I… I lost the vision Master.

LUKE  
(Reaching for BEN, gently settling his hand on the slouching shoulders)  
You were doing great. Visions seen through the Force are always hard to interpret. I suggest you focus on it another time. For now, let’s go back to try and reach Master Kenobi shall we?

BEN  
(Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath)  
Yes, Master.

(The scene fades to black, a spotlight shining on ANAKIN)

ANAKIN  
(Hands crossed inside his Jedi robes)  
This was the first time Ben Solo saw his soul mate. Little did he knew that it would take years before he would actually meet the redhaired boy.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT I  
SCENE III  


Scene  
Jedi Temple

Time  
13 years after the Battle of Endor

SETTING:

BEN is a few years older, there are more padawans in the Temple and he’s helping his uncle LUKE with teaching the katas necessary for wielding a Laser Sword. BEN is not well-liked by the new padawans and many fear his violent outbursts.

AT RISE:

Hiding in his room, BEN is crying. He’s been made fun of and he’s too ashamed to go ask Master Luke for help. He sobs alone in the dark. He’s so deep in despair, BEN can’t sense the Force Ghost standing in the same room.

OBI-WAN  
(Sitting on the bed next to the crying boy, looking very sad)  
It’s not them Ben, it’s Snoke. He’s trying to manipulate you!

ANAKIN  
(Standing in a corner, arms crossed, shaking his head)  
He can’t hear you Obi-Wan. Ben is already slipping to the Dark Side because Snoke keeps creeping into his thoughts to warp and twist his vision of his surroundings.

SNOKE  
(OFF STAGE)  
Nobody likes you Ben because you are STRONGER than them!

(BEN sobs harder, curling in a ball and hugging his knees)

SNOKE  
(OFF STAGE)  
They all hate you, even Master Luke is disapproving who you are as a whole.

ANAKIN  
(Face contorted with sadness)  
When Ben is in too much pain, he likes to think about the boy with the flaming red hair.

BEN  
(Muttering under his breath)  
Red haired boy... red haired boy…

ANAKIN  
(Sitting next to OBI-WAN on the bed, exchanging worried glances)  
They will meet one day but Ben will have to do terrible things to achieve that.

OBI-WAN  
(Covering BEN’s ears with his hand, looking helpless)  
Don’t listen to him, Ben. It’s filthy lies made to steal you away from the path of the Light!

ANAKIN  
(Raising up and walking away, fading)  
There’s nothing you can do Obi-Wan. Just let the boy do what he has to do.

OBI-WAN  
(Glaring at the space where ANAKIN had disappeared)  
He doesn’t have to walk the same path as you.

(Looks down at BEN)

There is good in you Ben, don’t let the Dark consume you.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)


	2. Caught Red Handed

Scene  
Aboard the Star Destroyer FINALIZER

Time  
26 years after the Battle of Endorr

  
ACT II   
Caught Red Handed

SCENE I   


SETTING:

BEN SOLO is now KYLO REN, after living under the pseudonym “Jedi Killer” for most of his teenage years. He’s now Leader of the organisation known as the KNIGHTS OF REN. A terrifying gang of Jedi Hunters tracking every Force sensitive person in the Galaxy, burning the corpses of their enemies and keeping their ashes as trophies.

AT RISE:

REN is boarding the FINALIZER where he meets the General that would co-command the FINALIZER with him for the first time.

(Getting out of his Upsilon shuttle, REN stomps between a row of STORMTROOPERS  
HUX slips past PHASMA and walks aggressively toward REN)

REN  
(Stopping dead in his tracks)  
General Hux, I -

HUX  
(Red in the face, eyes narrowed as he stops very close to REN)  
Are you Kylo Ren?

REN  
(Not moving and impossible to read with his mask on)  
Yes.

HUX  
(Trying to regain his composure, turns around and gestures at the officers)  
Let me introduce you to Captain Phasma, she’s in charge of the Stormtroopers and the physical shape of the crew. Next to her is -

(REN moves forward and ignores HUX, walking toward a small exit  
ANAKIN appears as everything freezes.  
REN is mid steps, HUX looking beyond offended behind him)

ANAKIN  
(Pinching the bridge of his nose)  
Now that’s not fair. He’s wearing a mask so you can’t see what’s really going on in his head. Let’s do this with a narration shall we?

OBI-WAN  
(Appearing behind ANAKIN, smiling)  
Oh, I wouldn’t want to miss that!

YODA  
(Appearing next to OBI-WAN)  
Miss this, I will not!

ANAKIN  
(Groaning)  
Are you done?

WINDU  
(Force Ghost, popping next to ANAKIN and glowing with a blue hue)  
Why are there so many motherfucking Force Ghost on this motherfucking ship?

(OBI-WAN and YODA are laughing their asses off, high fiving.)

OBI-WAN  
(Yelling toward WINDU)  
BITCH WHERE?

WINDU  
I SAID, WHY IS THERE SO MANY MOTHERFUCKING FORCE GHOST ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHIP?

OBI-WAN  
(Trying not to laugh)  
I SAID BITCH WHERE?

ANAKIN  
(Sighing dramatically)  
Aaaanyway! Let’s go back to a few moments earlier.

(The scene rewinds as REN walks backward and HUX looks less and less furious, growing more and more surprised.  
Then HUX walks away backwards and REN is back on the exit ramp of his shuttle)

ANAKIN  
(Walking next to REN)  
Now, this is the first time Ben…

(Long sigh and a moment of silence falls  
ANAKIN shakes himself and gesture with his hands toward REN)

Ren sees Hux. They are soulmates that meet for the first time and precious moments like that must be documented.

(ANAKIN clears his throat)

(The Force Ghosts are listening silently)

ANAKIN  
(Walking next to REN as the scene becomes alive)  
So, here, Ren is all focused on looking menacing, shoulders up, head bent forward. He’s also probing the minds of the Stormtroopers because my grand-son is that good.

(There’s a slight falter in REN’s step, ANAKIN makes a wild gesture with his arms)

THERE!

(The scene freeze)

See that? That’s when he felt it. The pull of his soulmate. See, General Hux is LATE!

(OBI-WAN gasps loudly, YODA shakes his head disapprovingly  
WINDU is looking at the wall and wondering if he can get out of this by stabbing his face with his purple Laser Sword.)

ANAKIN  
(Excited, jumps around the frozen REN)  
Yes, so Ren is all like, what is this that I feel?

(ANAKIN pauses dramatically, looking at the Force Ghosts hanging at the back)

Is that the pull of the light again?

(ANAKIN puts a hand on his forehead. Looks up as a spotlight shines on him  
OBI-WAN pushes ANAKIN aside and cries out with a falsetto voice)

OBI-WAN  
(Voice trembling, hand coming to his forehead to parody ANAKIN)  
Oh grandfather, please teache me the way to the Dark side and help me resist the pull of the Light!

(WINDU and YODA are laughing as ANAKIN pouts outside the spotlight  
Please note that OBI-WAN’s beard looks stunning  
ANAKIN pushes OBI-WAN)

ANAKIN  
(Annoyed)  
Yes, yes!

(The scene unfreeze, REN walking again.)

ANAKIN (Walking next to REN, smiling madly) Wait for it... 

(After a few feet REN stops dead in his tracks  
The scene freezes)

ANAKIN  
(Gesturing wildly)  
And BOOM, that’s when he sees Hux.

(The angle changes, a turf of read hair visible behind MITAKA’s shoulder.)

The Force is screaming at him!

OBI-WAN  
(Appearing in front of ANAKIN, hood over his head with eyes gleaming, saying in a deep and scary voice)  
THIS IS YOUR SOULMATE BEN SOLO, DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

YODA  
(Creeping up from under OBI-WAN, pushing his Jedi robe away)  
Fuck this up, young Ben will.

ANAKIN  
(Pushing them both and yelling, with tears in his eyes)  
HIS NAME IS KYLO REN OK?!

WINDU  
(Hanging in the back, eating popcorn)  
Skywalkers. What a bunch of Drama Queens.

ANAKIN  
(Turning his head toward WINDU and screaming)  
SAYS THE GUY WITH A PURPLE LASER SWORD.

YODA  
(Rolling his eyes)  
Big baby, you are, Anakin.

WINDU  
(Laughing)  
Does he looks like a bitch?

OBI-WAN  
(Restraining ANAKIN who’s trying to unseat his weapon and fight WINDU)  
Calm down Anakin. Please, tell us more about Kylo Ren and the General’s love story.

ANAKIN  
(Grumbling and seething from his attempt to murder WINDU)  
I don’t feel like it anymore.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT II  
SCENE II   


OBI-WAN  
(Turning ANAKIN’s head toward REN)  
But look at your grand-son, so close to his true love and not knowing it!

ANAKIN  
(Perking up a little)  
Yes… I suppose

(Stands up straighter)

He was perplexed. What is it about this man that made the Force scream at him like that?

OBI-WAN  
(Letting go of ANAKIN and stepping aside in the darkness)

(OFF STAGE)

SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS REN.

ANAKIN  
(Patting REN’S mask)  
Poor Kylo is all confused.

WINDU  
(Looking at his nails)  
He wants to tap that you mean.

(REN is not moving but HUX is making his way in slow motion  
Oh Yeah by Yello plays)

ANAKIN  
(Singing)  
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!

OBI-WAN  
(OFF STAGE)  
HEY SEXY LADY, YOU-

ANAKIN  
(Screaming on top of OBI-WAN)  
WRONG SONG!

OBI-WAN  
(OFF STAGE)  
SORRY.

ANAKIN  
(Shaking his head)  
Shall we continue? So as Hux is walking his sexy walk…

(ANAKIN points at REN)

My ‘lil Kylo is recognizing Hux riiiii-

(REN moves, falling forward a little before straightening, ram rod straight)

-IIIGHT THERE!!

(ANAKIN dances gleefully as What is Love by Haddaway starts playing)

What is loooove?

OBI-WAN  
(OFF STAGE)  
BABY DON’T HURT ME!

YODA  
(Signing from his spot on a cargo case)  
HURT ME, BABY, DO NOT

ANAKIN  
(Throwing his head back and signing with all his heart)  
NO MOOOOOORE.

(WINDU sitting next to YODA and looking bored, makes a beat  
OBI-WAN is moving his hips sinfully in the safety of the dark  
The scene freezes as HUX stops very close to REN)

ANAKIN  
(Pointing at HUX face)  
Look at how red he his!

YODA  
(Walking, relying on his cane heavily, stopping next to HUX)  
Frustrated, he is, for being late.

ANAKIN  
(Poking HUX’s face with a wicked smile)  
Noooo!! He’s all red because he can feel the pull too!

(The scene moves forward and HUX asks with venom)

HUX  
(Red in the face, shoulder tenses and sneering)  
Are you Kylo Ren?

(The scene freezes)

ANAKIN  
(Hands clasped under his chin, eyes wide)  
Kylo is breathless. He thinks that Hux looks gorgeous up close with million of freckles on his nose and cheeks.

OBI-WAN  
(Appearing in front of ANAKIN, grabbing REN and HUX by the back of their heads)  
NOW KISS!!

YODA  
(Shaking his head)  
Forever alone he will be, I bet.

WINDU  
(Laughing)  
I’m on with that bet!

ANAKIN  
MOVING ON!!

(REN is silent for a long moment)

REN  
Yes.

ANAKIN  
(Shakes the frozen REN)  
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head, walking behind ANAKIN)  
The poor fool is too lost. Like you once were Anakin.

YODA  
Being a little bitch, he is, you mean. This guy, a load of, you must get! A mess, he his.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT II  
SCENE III   


ANAKIN  
(Floats above HUX, hands over his head.)  
The Force allows me to let you deep into the mind of the General. Let’s take a peek!

(The scene goes dark, a spotlight illuminating over HUX and ANAKIN)

HUX  
(Trying to regain his composure, thoughts said out loud but lips not moving)  
I wonder what species is under this stupid helmet. Probably not human, to be that tall. Maybe a wookie youngling. As the ancient saying on Arkanis goes: Keep Calm and Carry On... What is wrong with me today, can’t think straight... I just want to go back to the bridge and jump back to the planet which will hold my new weapon.

(The lights of the stage comes back on)

HUX  
(Turns around and gestures at the officers)  
Let me introduce you to-

(The scene freezes and OBI-WAN jumps in front of them)

OBI-WAN  
and his name is JOHN CENA!!

(Loud, triumphant trumpets plays  
YODA and WINDU are dancing in the back)

ANAKIN  
(Making a gesture and the music stops)  
Yes, now that this joke is done, can we MOVE ON?

(Mumbles under his breath)

I came here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now...

OBI-WAN  
(Sarcastically)  
Will you stop panakin Anakin?

(YODA hoots and yells from his spot on the crates next to WINDU)

ANAKIN  
(Seething, floats toward OBI-WAN with a glare)  
If you are not taking this seriously, I will Force choke the writer so he strikes you out of this script.

OBI-WAN  
(Raising a brow, unphased)  
That’s very meta of you Anakin.

ANAKIN  
(Growling)  
Bitch I might! Don’t test me.

OBI-WAN  
(Grumbling under his beard)  
Tell that to Kanjiklub.

(ANAKIN makes a gesture with his hand and the scene unfreezes)

HUX  
(Starts talking)  
Captain Phasma, she’s in charge of the Stormtroopers and the physical shape of the crew. Next to her is -

(The scene freezes)

ANAKIN  
(Talking excitedly)  
Now, you see, my grand-son really doesn’t care about all these other people. All he wants is to get to his quarters and take his mask off to breathe. He’s trying really hard not to hyperventilate under there. His heart is beating so hard in his chest, he thinks it’s gonna rip out.

(REN moves forward and ignores HUX, walking toward the exit.)

ANAKIN  
WAIT WAIT!!

(REN walks backward until he’s shoulder to shoulder with HUX  
ANAKIN appears above REN, scene going dark, spotlight illuminating above them)

Let’s hear the man himself!

REN  
(Panicked voice)  
Stay calm, stay calm, just, walk to your quarters. Yes. You know where they are. Don’t look at his ass. You are a Knight of Ren, dO NOT STARE AT DAT ASS.

ANAKIN  
Oops, that one I should have censored maybe...

(OBI-WAN rolls his eyes floating on ANAKIN’s side)

REN  
Okay, quick peek.

OBI-WAN  
(Facepalm)  
This is so uncivilized.

REN  
(In a triumphant voice)  
PRAISE THE FORCE!

OBI-WAN  
(Throwing his arms up in the air, exasperated)  
ANAKIN, NO!

ANAKIN  
(Smirking)  
ANAKIN YES!

(Imitating Palpatine)

DEW IT!

(REN moves his hand imperceptibly as he walks HUX’s hair starts to ruffle, a few bangs falling in his eyes)

HUX  
(Sputtering, turning around with a scandalized look)  
Did you just?

REN  
(Thinking)  
Okay, stay cool, stay cool keep walking, no one noticed, you are awesome.

(REN keeps walking and hums the Imperial March  
Exit REN)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT II  
SCENE VI   


HUX  
(Groaning and pinching the bridge of his nose)  
Ain't nobody got time for that...

PHASMA  
(Approaching, settling a hand on HUX shoulder)  
I know the feeling, bro.

ANAKIN  
My grand-son is the BEST! He totally floored his soulmate, it’s gonna be an INSTANT CONNECTION.

YODA  
(Shaking his head)  
Highly doubt that, I do.

OBI-WAN  
(Pointing at the officers in the back)  
Wait, you have to hear what this one has to say about it!

(The scene fades to black and a spotlight appears over MITAKA)

MITAKA  
(Whispering to the OFFICER next to him)  
That Really Rustled My Jimmies!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)


	3. In The Red

  
ACT III   
In The Red

SCENE I   


SETTING:

It’s been a month since REN and HUX became co-commanders of the FINALIZER and things aren’t running smoothly. REN had numerous outbursts, destroyed things and the relationship between the soulmates has been tense since. HUX matches REN move for move, frustration building and both of them are unsure how to handle it.

AT RISE:

HUX is sitting in the FINALIZER officer's private bar, PHASMA sitting with him, a few bottles of hard liquor empty on the table. They are both obviously drunk and in deep discussion.

HUX  
(Slurring, drink in hand, sploshing everywhere)  
The f-fucker keeps-s s-saying that I… kriffin’ he s-said he heard... about a comm from my proctologist…

(Takes a swig from his drink, draining half)

…. t-that they finally had reached... d-deep enough to f-find my head…

PHASMA  
(Crumbling on the table, laughing and snorting)  
O RLY? What is he? Twelve?

HUX  
(Takes another gulp)  
He k-keeps saying, all the-these weird phrases. L-like, ‘my ventral canon is hot for you’ o-or…

PHASMA  
(Banging her fist on the table, roaring with laughter)  
Bad pickup lines, bad pickup lines everywhere.

HUX  
(Lets out a whine and smashes his head on the table)  
The WORST. Is. He keeps…

(A deep shiver takes over HUX)

Using the Force to m-mess with m-my hair!

(PHASMA is laughing so much she’s crying)

HUX  
(Lifts his head to glare at PHASMA, looking almost sober)  
Every time I keep hearing a distant cry of “GAAAAAAYYYY.”

(The scene freezes)

ANAKIN  
(Appears on HUX side of the booth, legs spread, arms on both sides of the armrest)  
OBIIIIIII-WAAAAAAAN!!!

OBI-WAN  
(Appears next to ANAKIN, laughing his ass off)  
I…. would never….

(OBI-WAN bends in halfs, one hand resting on his knee the other slapping his thigh)

… it would be uncivilized!

(Starts laughing harder, tears rolling on his cheeks)

ANAKIN  
(Rolling his eyes)  
You are so immature sometimes.

OBI-WAN  
(Sitting straight up, glaring at ANAKIN)  
Watch what you are saying Anakin. You are the one pestering us to make the boys fall in love.

ANAKIN  
(Whining)  
But they are my OTP!

OBI-WAN  
(Exasperated)  
Damn Anakin, back it again with the whining!

(Furious, ANAKIN unfreezes the scene)

HUX  
(Finishing his drink in a long gulp)  
And he keeps… trying to t-touch my hair, I c-can feel his hand lin-linger behind me... all the time!

PHASMA  
(Wiping her eyes)  
So. What are you gonna do about it?

HUX  
(Mouth opening, no words coming out. HUX closes his mouth. Opens it again)  
Haven’t c-con-con… thought... of that...

PHASMA  
(Shaking her head, filling HUX glass then emptying the rest of the bottle in her glass)  
Here’s what you should do…

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head disapprovingly)  
Now Anakin, you are not going to spoil this for our friends are you?

(Scene fades to black, spotlight shining on OBI-WAN and ANAKIN  
PHASMA is talking and HUX is listening with rapt attention, no sound is heard from their conversation)

ANAKIN  
Shall we go see what my grand-son is up to?

OBI-WAN  
(Sighing, looking bored)  
If we must.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT III   
SCENE II   


SETTING:

REN is in the middle of a gay crisis. He knows HUX knows he’s desperate to touch the red hair. There have been many close encounters but REN never goes through with it.

AT RISE:

REN’s quarters are vast but mostly empty. The stash of ashes, the display for VADER’s mask, a bed and a chair facing the mask. REN is sitting without his mask, slouching and drinking out of a bottle, another empty one discarded carelessly at his side.

REN  
(Drunk, face red, tears streaming down his cheeks)  
I d-don’t know what to do gran’pa! He’s a guy! I can’t help myself, he’s gorgeous, with his red hair that drive me nuts, and his FRECKLES!

(Hiccups and sobs)

I can’t chase away the desires...

(Gasps, looking shocked. REN lets out a whine)

What would mother say?

(REN chugs more alcohol)

OBI-WAN  
(Pinching the bridge of his nose)  
Great.

ANAKIN  
(Dramatically runs to REN side, patting his back, looking worried)  
NO, no! She will be totally cool with it, Leia is an amazing woman, don’t underestimate her!

REN  
(Oblivious to ANAKIN’s presence, wallowing in self pity)  
Why does my soulmate have to be a man? Why does my soulmate have to be him? He so obviously hates me! I thought soulmates were this fairytale where you met the perfect person and…

(REN snorts derisively)

I’m not drunk enough for this…

(REN stands up and stumbles to his bed  
REN’s Laser Sword, robes and extra layers are shed until he’s only wearing his black tank top, suspenders and pants)

ANAKIN  
(Nodding approvingly)  
He’s so shredded! Like me! Skywalkers are ripped!

OBI-WAN  
(Derisively)  
Yes, yes, we’ve all heard about his eight pack.

(REN grabs two more bottles from the nightstand and stomps back to the chair facing the burned mask)

OBI-WAN  
(Exasperated)  
I hate these “Please notice me senpai!” Sessions…

(REN slumped on the chair opens a bottle and drinks)

ANAKIN  
(Starts pacing, growing worried)  
He needs to know it’s fine that his soulmate is the General. That it’s his destiny and if he only behaved, he could have everything he wants! Why can’t he see me? This is so frustrating!

OBI-WAN  
(Rubbing his chin, looking pensive)  
He can’t see both of us. He didn’t sense Yoda either. I don’t know who could help us right now.

(REN lets the empty bottle fall on the floor and grabs the second one)

ANAKIN  
(Painfully looks at REN. Sighs)  
Well, I think this needs a gentle hand.

(ANAKIN lifts his head and yells)

THE SENATE IS CORRUPTED AND DOESN’T SERVE IT’S PEOPLE!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT III  
SCENE III   


PADMÉ  
(Running, looking very angry, wearing a flashy outfit, glowing with a gold hue)  
I’LL LET YOU KNOW THAT THE SENATE DOES IT’S UTMOST BEST TO SERVE THE PEO- Oh! Anakin! And Obi-Wan! I am delighted to see you! Come here!

(OBI-WAN walks toward PADMÉ and they hug)

OBI-WAN  
(Smiling, gently caressing her cheek before stepping back)  
It is nice to see you.

PADMÉ  
(Smiles softly at OBI-WAN before turning toward ANAKIN, looking annoyed)  
Now, I suppose you need something?

ANAKIN  
(Pouting, pointing at REN)  
Our grandson is sad!

PADMÉ  
(Crossing her arms and rolling her eyes)  
When isn’t he?

OBI-WAN  
(Teary, looking at PADMÉ like she’s a Goddess)  
I missed her so much!

REN  
(Launches the bottle he held in his hand toward the wall, watches it as it shatters)  
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I’m obsessed with him, I just want to run my fingers in his hair over and over it’s… driving… ME CRAZY!

(REN falls on his knees on the floor, sobbing)

Please show me the way of the dark side grandfather and lead me away from the temptation!

(REN stands up and stumbles toward his bed toward his Laser Sword)

ANAKIN  
(Panicking)  
NO, REN!

PADMÉ  
(Angry, shouting at REN)  
BEN ANAKIN CHEWBACCA ORGANA SOLO, YOU WILL SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME.

(PADMÉ’s outfit is glowing, jewels shining under a blue spotlight)

REN  
(Jumps in surprise, turning and sitting down on the floor, looking stunned)  
Padmé…

PADMÉ  
(Furious)  
That’s right! Now listen, you little punk ass bitch! You will cease this pitiful show and you will use some of that swagger your father has, or I swear on the Senate!

(Gives a cold stare at REN)

You will properly seduce the General!

REN  
(Raising his hand slowly, looking sheepish)  
But-

PADMÉ  
(Lifting a hand to shush REN and staring down at him, furious)  
No but’s young man! You think this creepy ‘using the Force to mess with your love interests hair will WORK? This ‘come at me bro’ shit is obviously not working! You have to be smooth! Impress the General. Wear decent clothes, act like an adult, use your goddamn manners!!

(REN slowly sinks on himself, reflecting on what he heard)

OBI-WAN  
(Sipping tea)  
But that’s none of our business.

PADMÉ  
(Softens, gently settling her hand on REN’s shoulder)  
You are handsome, strong and an amazing man B-

(PADMÉ stops, making a face  
REN looks up, pain written over his face)

… Kylo… Let him see the real you and he will fall in love instantly, I promise you.

REN  
(Sobbing and looking like a mess)  
Thank you grand-mother! I love you…

(REN babbles on but falls asleep, too drunk)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT III  
SCENE IV   


ANAKIN  
(Shaking OBI-WAN by the shoulder)  
ISN’T MY WAIFU THE BEST?

OBI-WAN  
(Implacable, high fives PADMÉ)  
Like a Boss!

PADMÉ  
(Shaking her head, sighing)  
I still can’t believe General “I’M A’ FIRIN’ MAH LAZER!!” is Ben’s soulmate.

ANAKIN & OBI-WAN  
(Simultaneously)  
It’s Kylo Ren now.

PADMÉ  
(Rolling her eyes)  
Whatever, I’m out!

(exit PADMÉ)

OBI-WAN  
(Looking back at REN)  
Anything else left to do here?

ANAKIN  
(Shaking his head)  
No, no. You go ahead, I’ll catch up.

(OBI-WAN looks fondly at ANAKIN before fading away  
ANAKIN floats over the burnt mask, looking with a concerned face at REN)

ANAKIN  
I listen to you, Kylo Ren. I hear you and I know the pull of the light and the dark is tearing you apart. I know the pain, the fear, the feels and the tears. But man. The tantrums. Tone it down please. It’s embarrassing. Okay, good talk! I’ll see you later, little man!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)


	4. See Red

  
ACT IV  
See Red

SCENE I  


SETTING:

The FINALIZER is approaching its destination, the remote planet where HUX as set his sight on for STARKILLER BASE. The tension in the ship is at its highest, REN having choked three officers and having near constant shouting matches with HUX.

AT RISE:

HUX is standing on the bridge of the FINALIZER, looking through the transparisteel as the staff is busy around him. REN is brooding in a dark corner, observing.

HUX  
(Turns on his heels and walks briskly to MITAKA’s side)  
Lieutenant, my hair is in desperate need of a little freshening up. I heard you are very good with a clipper.

MITAKA  
(Blushing and sputtering)  
Y-yes General. 

HUX  
(Raising a brow)  
Well?

MITAKA  
(Back straightening, hopeful look in his eyes)  
At your c-convenience General, I can do it.

HUX  
(Smiles warmly and nods)  
At my quarters after the second shift then. 

MITAKA  
(Nodding his head, smile spreading on his lips)  
Yes sir!

HUX  
(Gently pats MITAKA’s shoulder)  
Thank you Lieutenant.

MITAKA  
(Beaming)  
Thank you Sir. It’s my pleasure, General!

ANAKIN  
(Appears next to HUX)  
I feel a disturbance in the Force!

OBI-WAN  
(Appears next to REN)  
Another Skywalker is about to fuck things up! In the left corner, 6”3, 195 pounds, Ben Solo also know as Kylo Ren is about to pull an “Anakin”.

ANAKIN  
(Offended)  
What the hell is an “Anakin”?

OBI-WAN  
(Shrugs)  
You know, doing something beyond stupid and reprehensible that will end in some catastrophic situation that would have never arise if a CERTAIN SOMEONE had keep their cool.

(A console explodes, glass shattering, a small fire starts  
A warning sounds through the bridge, people running everywhere)

OBI-WAN  
(Making a broad hand gesture)  
Like that.

ANAKIN  
(Sneering before turning toward the audience)  
Yes, because in case you haven’t understood what’s going on-

OBI-WAN  
(Interrupting ANAKIN)  
Oooh, they know. Jelly baby over there threw a temper tantrum.

ANAKIN  
(Ignoring OBI-WAN)  
Let’s see if it impresses the General!

(Hux is staring at REN red in the face as the fire grows bigger  
They stand still as the crew runs around them in a panicked frenzy  
REN exists the bridge)

HUX  
(Staring at the navigation console burning, left eye twitching)  
This is fine.

(Sprinklers starts, the fire slowly dying  
Staff starts evacuating the bridge except HUX, who stands fuming under the water  
HUX walks toward the console, analyzing the patterns of the shards,boots crunching the debris  
HUX stands at the console, drenched, navigation console so damaged it will take weeks to repair  
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are standing by HUX’s side)

HUX  
(Takes in a deep breath)  
I will beat this boy to a bloody pulp.

(Sighs, deflating)

This is why we can't have nice things!

OBI-WAN  
(Pinching the bridge of his nose)  
Well, another epic failure. 

ANAKIN  
(While fading away)  
I hope Padmé’s way will work!

(OBI-WAN and HUX are alone on the bridge, sprinklers finally stopping)

OBI-WAN  
(Patting HUX’s shoulder)  
I know what it’s like and trust me, one does not simply kill his soulmate, General.

HUX  
(Turning on himself, eyes narrowed looking around suspiciously)  
Who’s there?

OBI-WAN  
(Surprised)  
Well, well...

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT IV  
SCENE II  


SETTING:

The FINALIZER is in orbit around a small moon near a FIRST ORDER post, delayed by the navigation console REN has disabled. The mood is tense in the spaceship as General HUX had ordered the repairs be  
completed as swiftly as possible.

AT RISE:

HUX is sitting in the office section of his personal quarters. The room is almost empty, save for a desk, two chairs and a couch. No decorations or personal items, only a holopad resting on the desk. MITAKA is standing behind HUX, finishing the trim on the General’s hair. ANAKIN is watching the process, looking mildly annoyed.

MITAKA  
(Combing back the hair neatly)  
All done sir. Ready for inspection.

ANAKIN  
(Disappointed)  
Why didn’t he just ask the Lieutenant to “Just fuck me up”?

OBI-WAN  
You know why Anakin. Because he has a stick very, very far up his ass.

 

HUX  
(Turns on his holopad and inspects his hair. Smiles at MITAKA)  
You are very skilled indeed Lieutenant! Thank you for your time, I appre-

(The doors of HUX’s personal office are ripped open, metal curling on itself  
REN stands at the door, wearing a red see through dress that starts as a bustier but tears down in the front, pooling on the floor at the back, black tissue coming up like flames, black lingerie visible under the sheer see through delicate material  
ANAKIN’s jaw drops)

REN  
(Dress lifting and whirling around as the Force thrums with anger)  
Lieutenant Mitaka, GET THE FUCK OUT.

HUX  
LIEUTENANT, YOU WILL STAY RIGHT THERE.

(MITAKA is frozen on the spot, looking at both HUX and REN with wide eyes)

See, you’ve frightened him!

OBI-WAN  
(Appearing in the midst of chaos.)  
He does rather look startled, the poor man.

ANAKIN  
(Waving his arms in the air)  
He has to get out, so they can get on with it!

REN  
(Rolling his eyes and walking toward the chair facing HUX and MITAKA, sitting down gracefully)  
Fine! I came in peace, but if you want to be difficult like that.

HUX  
(Struggling as he tries not to yell, getting red in the face)  
What do you want Ren? And why are you wearing this ridiculous outfit?

REN  
(Looking down at the floor, blushing)  
Well, I was visited by an ancestor yesterday and they told me I had to dress better and act more civilized.

HUX  
Praise the maker! Well, not for the… outfit.

(Looks away, clearing his throat)

And pray tell, why did you have to rip open the doors to my private quarters?

(REN opens and closes his mouth, not a sound coming out  
ANAKIN facepalms, OBI-WAN puts a hand in front of his mouth)

ANAKIN  
(Smacking REN behind the head)  
SAY SOMETHING!

(MITAKA is jumping from one foot to the other, utterly embarrassed)

HUX  
(Crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair)  
Well? Nothing to say. That’s a first one for you. If putting on a dress is the only way to shut you up, I will make sure you have all the credits you need to entertain your… fashion sense?

REN  
(Closing his hands in a fist and digging his nails in his palms)  
I don’t need your credits. 

HUX  
(Waves his hand, dismissively)  
Good. Anything else?

ANAKIN  
(Shaking his head)  
Look at those two, all they wanna do is bone! DICKBUTT GUYS!

OBI-WAN  
(Patting ANAKIN on the shoulder)  
Just let them be. They are soulmates, it will happen.

ANAKIN  
(Grumbling under his breath)  
Not soon enough…

(Looks at MITAKA and smiles)

I think I have an idea!

OBI-WAN  
ANAKIN NO!

(ANAKIN walks through MITAKA’s body, possessing the young Lieutenant)

MITAKA  
(Trembling, and raising his hand slowly)  
G-general… if I may?

(HUX turns toward MITAKA, almost looking surprised)

HUX  
(Raising a brow carefully)  
Yes, Lieutenant?

MITAKA  
(Swallows and grabs his hands behind his back to hide the trembling)  
I… I think the dress looks very good on Lord Ren, Sir.

(REN blushes, eyes still locked on the floor)

HUX  
(Jaw drops, looking at MITAKA with bulging eyes)  
Care to repeat that Lieutenant?

MITAKA  
(Gaining confidence)  
W-well, the red really suits him don’t you think General? The gown makes him really, really, ridiculously good looking.

(HUX and REN both looks embarrassed)

HUX  
(Clearing his throat)  
Yes, well. I…

MITAKA  
(Shivering as ANAKIN gets out of his body)  
S-sir, can I be dismissed, please?

HUX  
(Waving his hand, eyes looking up at REN)  
Yes, thank you for the clipping Lieutenant.

MITAKA  
(Salutes and walks briskly to the door, steps faltering at the entrance)  
I will let maintenance know your doors are ruined, Sir.

HUX  
(Eyes locked on REN)  
Thank you. You are dismissed.

MITAKA  
(Hesitates a few seconds before turning back, and taking in a deep breath)  
If you ever want to get your hair groomed Lord Ren, I... I am always at your disposal.

REN  
(Jumping and peeking behind his shoulder timidly)  
T-thank you, Lieutenant.

(MITAKA blushes and runs away  
Exit MITAKA)

HUX  
(Transfixed by the line of REN’s throat)  
So…

REN  
(Snapping his head back toward HUX, gaze meeting)  
I… wanted to talk, Genral.

ANAKIN  
(Crush)  
He craves that booty, why don’t he just-

(Yells in frustration)

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head)  
Patience Anakin. 

ANAKIN  
(Nails dragging along his face)  
LITERALLY. CRAVES. 

HUX  
(After a moment of silence, voice soft and raspy)  
Yes? 

REN  
(Looking at the holopad, blushing)  
I wanted to apologize for the navigation console…

HUX  
(Surprised, almost falls off his chair)  
Apologize, motherfucker?

REN  
(Talks fast, as if he wants this conversation to be over)  
It was uncivilized of me. I realize we are losing precious time and that our resources are limited.

(HUX’s jaw hangs open, doesn’t know what to say)

REN  
(Unaware of HUX tension)  
I will also pay for the repairs.

HUX  
(Shocked beyond belief)  
W-who are YOU? 

REN  
(Looking up confused)  
I’m sorry, General?

HUX  
(Almost has a heart attack, one hand on his chest)  
Who are you and what have you done with Lord Ren?

REN  
(Rolling his eyes)  
Don’t be dense, Hux.

HUX  
(Frowning)  
You have to admit that this whole…

(Gestures at all of REN)

...display is rather strange.

REN  
(Blushing and brushing some imaginary dust on his dress)  
Well, like I said, an ancestor came to me last night and showed me the way.

HUX  
(Groaning and rolling his eyes)  
I didn’t know Lord Vader was that fashionable.

REN  
(Getting angry)  
Don’t be ridiculous. It was Padmé Amidala not Anakin who spoke to me.

(Mumbling under his breath)

I can’t reach grandfather…

ANAKIN  
(On the verge of tears)  
I’m right here for you, baby!

REN  
(Clearing his throat and getting up)  
Well. That concludes my business with you.

(Bows and turns around briskly, walking away with an exaggerated display of swinging hips  
Exit REN)

HUX  
(Eyes glued on REN’s ass, transfixed)  
Yes.

(Waits until REN is gone  
Slams his fist on his desk and whispers)

Good shit! Go౦d sHit, thats some good shit right there. Right there, if i do  say so myself. I say so. That's what I’m talking about, right there, right there.

ANAKIN  
(Shaking his head)  
Gay thoughts General. You can’t run from them.

HUX  
(Mumbling through clench teeth while busying himself with the datapad)  
It’s not gay unless balls are touching.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT IV  
SCENE III  


SETTING:

The FINALIZER is done with it’s repairs and the ship is taking it’s crew toward STARKILLER BASE at lightspeed. With REN’s financial help, the repairs took less time and they were only slightly delayed in the schedule HUX had planned.

AT RISE:

HUX is smoking in a secluded corner of the ship, near the power plant, too absorbed by his destructive habit to notice REN slipping behind him.

REN  
(Wearing his mask and usual outfit)  
General.

HUX  
(Feels his skin crawls, turning back, hiding the hand holding the cigarette behind his back)  
Yes?

REN  
(Clenching his fist)  
I…

(Lifts his hands to take his mask off, holding it against his hip)

I wanted to have a few words with you General.

HUX  
(Rolls his eyes and brings his hand to his mouth, taking a drag)  
I can’t stop you from doing that.

(ANAKIN and OBI-WAN appears)

ANAKIN  
HE’S ‘BOUT TO DO IT!

REN  
(Clears his throat)  
I’m like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me-

HUX  
(Frowns)  
What the hell is a Rubik's Cube?

ANAKIN  
(Looking disappointed)  
Aw, c’mon Ren, give it your best shot!

OBI-WAN  
(Lifting a hand to stroke his beard)  
That’s exactly why I think this will never work.

REN  
(Taking in a deep breath, cheeks getting pink)  
Is that a mirror in your pants? Because- 

HUX  
(Offended)  
Of course not! It would be both very impractical, and very dangerous.

ANAKIN  
(Facepalming)  
I’m starting to think Redhead over there doesn’t get what’s going on.

OBI-WAN  
(snickering)  
So much for being a genius tactician.

REN  
(Faltering a little)  
Are you tired, because you ran-

HUX  
(Exasperated, throwing the filter of his cigarette away)  
Of course I’m tired because I ran all day! You just described every single day of my life!

(ANAKIN and OBI-WAN looks at each other)

REN  
(Shoulder hunching down, voice cracking)  
Do you have a GPS, I got lost-

HUX  
(Opening a silver case he took out of his breast pocket and taking another cigarette out, sparking it)  
No, I don’t happen to have a GPS on me.

(Mumbles under his breath)

But you’ve got a tracker on you.

REN  
(Perking up)  
What was that?

HUX  
(Shaking his head)  
Nothing. Go on.

(ANAKIN looks at REN hopefully)

ANAKIN  
(Bumping his shoulder against REN)  
I have one that never fails for you! Is your ass made of straws? Because I want to suck it!

(HUX glares at REN)

REN  
(Opens his mouth. Closes it)  
N-No.... I have nothing else to say General.

ANAKIN  
(Jaw dropping)  
WHAT? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!

HUX  
(Lifting a brow, blowing the smoke in REN’s direction)  
Then get out. Skedaddle. Shoo.

REN  
(Looks down sadly, putting his mask back)  
Have a nice day, General.

(Stomping away, exit REN)

HUX  
(Keeps smoking, looking at the patterns of the smoke)  
What an imbecile.

ANAKIN  
(Pointing at HUX)  
AH HA! I knew he wasn’t THAT oblivious!

OBI-WAN  
(Raising a brow)  
He’s auto sabotaging his soulmate bond!

ANAKIN  
(Shaking with anger)  
We can’t let him!

OBI-WAN  
(Looking calmly at ANAKIN)  
And how do you suppose we do that? He can’t see us.

ANAKIN  
(Looks like he got a great idea)  
No, but he can HEAR you!

OBI-WAN  
(In a cold tone)  
No.

ANAKIN  
(Pleading)  
They're SOULMATES!! We can’t let them go their own way, they will only end up miserable!

OBI-WAN  
(Looking up)  
Padmé, give me the strength.

(HUX shivers, looking around)

ANAKIN  
(Pointing HUX)  
See! SEE? He CAN hear you!

OBI-WAN  
(Sighs)  
Fine.

(Walks closer to Hux, clearing his throat  
Makes a gesture with his hands as if he was using the Force)

You will fall in love with Kylo Ren and have his babies.

ANAKIN  
(Glaring)  
You are not taking this seriously!!

HUX  
(Face still neutral, stares right at OBI-WAN)  
Whoever you are, leave me alone.

OBI-WAN  
(Points at HUX)  
See, he doesn’t want to talk to me.

ANAKIN  
You don’t say.

OBI-WAN  
Don’t you wonder how?

HUX  
(Narrowing his eyes and glaring at OBI-WAN)  
How, what?

OBI-WAN  
(Jumping back)  
You… can see me?

HUX  
(Sighs and takes another drag of his cigarette, voice dripping with venom)  
Sadly.

(OBI-WAN and ANAKIN looks shocked)

OBI-WAN  
What now?

(ANAKIN shrugs, clearly as confused as OBI-WAN)

HUX  
(Finishes his cigarette)  
I really hope this is not permanent. Having Jedis constantly spy on me will grow old pretty quickly.

ANAKIN  
(Jumps forward, face coming a few inches close to HUX’s)  
YOU CAN SEE ME TOO?

HUX  
(Takes a step back, disgust written over his feature)  
I wish I didn’t.

ANAKIN  
(Vibrating)  
You. Have. To. Tell. Ren.

HUX  
(Shaking his head)  
No, I don’t.

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head)  
You are being childish, Brendol.

HUX  
(Points OBI-WAN with the hand holding the cigarette, furious)  
DON’T CALL ME THAT.

OBI-WAN  
(Shrugs)  
Fine. You are being childish, boy.

HUX  
(Growing angrier and angrier)  
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Arkaniss Academy, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Resistance Bases, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire First Order Navy Forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this Galaxy, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As soon as we are done speaking, I will contact my secret network of spies and Bounty Hunter across the galaxy, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the First Order Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the galaxy, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead!

ANAKIN  
(Patting HUX’s face)  
Aren’t you a little fierce one!

HUX  
(Red in the face)  
YOU! Who the bloody hell are you anyway?

ANAKIN  
(Half-bows before extending his arm toward OBI-WAN)  
I’m Anakin Skywalker and this is my old master Obi-Wan Kenobi.

HUX  
(Raising a brow, searching his memories)  
Obi-Wan?

OBI-WAN  
(Bowing)  
The Wan and only.

HUX  
(Face draining, looking pale)  
Darth Vader! You’ve got to be kidding me!  
(HUX starts pacing)

ANAKIN  
(Angrily)  
Nope! Anakin Skywalker.

HUX  
(Waving a hand dismissively)  
If Ren learns that I can see you, I’ll never hear the END OF IT! 

OBI-WAN  
(Stroking his beard)  
That’s exactly why we’re here. To talk about Ren.

HUX  
(Shakes his head)  
No. Nope. Not talking about that idiot during my break!

ANAKIN  
(Growling with frustration)  
He tries so hard, why won’t you give him a chance? What about your plan?

(HUX keep smoking, ignoring the ghosts)

OBI-WAN  
Very mature, boy.

HUX  
(Eye twitch)  
I. AM. NOT. A. BOY.

PHASMA  
(Walking in the secluded room, not wearing her helmet, blaster swung over her shoulder)  
So what, you’re a girl?

ANAKIN  
(Elbowing OBI-WAN)  
I like her so much!

HUX  
(Rubbing his forehead)  
I’m having a really crappy day, if you could keep your comments to yourself, I’d appreciate it.

PHASMA  
(Grabs HUX’s cigarette and crushes it in her fist)  
I thought you quit.

HUX  
(Grumbling)  
Try quitting when two Force Ghosts are following you around.

PHAMSA  
(Looks around, eyes narrowing)  
Do I have to drag your ass to the Med Bay or will you follow me compliantly?

HUX  
(Growls)  
I am not insane. I do see Force Ghosts.

PHASMA  
(Surprised)  
Since when?

(HUX opens his mouth, then closes it, thinking)

ANAKIN  
(Sarcastically)  
Yes General, tell her since when you can see us.

HUX  
(Blushing slightly at the memory of REN in the red dress)  
A week or so…

PHASMA  
(Hesitates for a few seconds)  
Did… Did you tell Lord Ren?

(HUX gives her a look  
PHASMA raises her hands in defense)

PHASMA  
(With the same voice she uses on fragile or scared people)  
He is an expert in this domain after all.

ANAKIN  
She’s right! Go talk to Ren!

HUX  
(Groans and covers his face with both hands)  
What’s the ETA to Starkiller base, Captain?

PHASMA  
That’s why I’ve been looking everywhere for you General. There was a warning about a mechanical malfunction, but no one on the bridge could reach you.

HUX  
(Jumps)  
What?

(Scrambles to grab his comm)

It’s… turned off? I never turn my…

(Looks toward ANAKIN and OBI-WAN)

...Comm off…

(ANAKIN tries to look innocent)

OBI-WAN  
(Sighing)  
I am so sorry, General. 

HUX  
(Looks up)  
Maker, give me the strength.

ANAKIN  
(Insulted)  
Force, give me strength, you mean.

PHASMA  
(Waves a hand in front of HUX’s face)  
General?

HUX  
(Pushes PHASMA’s hand)  
Will you… ALL OF YOU.

(Getting red in the face)

OUT. ALL OF YOU, GET OUT!

PHASMA  
(Salutes)  
General. I’m expecting you on the bridge as soon as your tantrum is over.

(Turns on her heels  
exits PHASMA)

HUX  
I’LL SHOW YOU A TANTRUM!

(Takes his blaster out, rips his glove off with his teeth and shoots toward ANAKIN)

ANAKIN  
(Not moving, blaster bolts going through him)  
WHOA! WHOA! OKAY, you are now firing a gun at your imaginary friend NEAR THE PRIMARY HYPERMATTER-ANNIHILATION REACTOR.

HUX  
(Lower his weapon, glaring)  
I’ll let you know my aiming is deadly accurate.

OBI-WAN  
But still ineffective against us. 

HUX  
(Put his blaster back at his hip)  
I’m out of here.

(Exit HUX)

OBI-WAN  
(Looks at ANAKIN)  
What’s next?

ANAKIN  
(Sighing)  
I don’t know…

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT IV  
SCENE IV  


SETTING:

REN and HUX avoid each other for the rest of the trip, getting on with their lives. HUX doesn’t have another conversation with ANAKIN or OBI-WAN, steadily ignoring them. STARKILLER BASE is finally complete and General HUX is awaiting his next orders.

AT RISE:

HUX and REN are in the holochamber on STARKILLER BASE built for the meetings with SNOKE. They are standing next to each other, trying to ignore the pull of the bond. OBI-WAN and ANAKIN stand behind HUX.

SNOKE  
The map to Skywalker is on Jakku. Go and retrieve it Ren.

REN  
(Bowing respectfully)  
I will, Supreme Leader.

(REN turns on his heels  
Exits REN)

SNOKE  
(Peers down at HUX)  
Something wrong, General?

HUX  
(Suppressing his jump, tilting his chin up, proudly)  
Nothing, Supreme Leader. Starkiller is ready and I am anticipating using it’s full power and display it in front of the whole Galaxy.

SNOKE  
(Nods, bending forward, looking closer at HUX)  
Nice diversion General, but there is something else at the edge of your mind. Don’t make me extract it with the Force, you won't like it.

HUX  
(Swallows)  
I have been.. Concerned. About Ren’s behavior... recently.

SNOKE  
(Brings a hand to his chin)  
Tell me more, General.

HUX  
(Hesitating before taking in a deep breath)  
He came to my quarters wearing a gown and spewing nonsense about Padmé Amidala paying him a visit. 

SNOKE  
(Facepalms)  
He did not.

HUX  
Yes, he did. I’ve seen some shit...

SNOKE  
(Thinking)  
That changes everything. I’ll have a word with Lord Ren. Keep a close eye on him.

HUX  
(Bows)  
Yes, Supreme Leader.

(The hologram disappears and HUX turns around to leave the room  
Looking startled as he comes face to face with OBI-WAN)

SITHSPIT!

(Puts a hand over his heart)

I will die so young...

OBI-WAN  
(Looking very angry)  
Why did you tell him that?

ANAKIN  
(Pushing OBI-WAN and screaming in HUX’s face)  
WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH AN ASS?

HUX  
(Raising a brow)  
What else are you expecting from me?

OBI-WAN  
(Singing as a spotlight shines on him)  
Why the fuck you lyin’?  
Why you always lyin’?  
Hmmmmm Oh Force!  
Stop fucking lying!

ANAKIN  
(Chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ)  
mMMMMᎷМ НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ

(HUX rolls his eyes and walks away, ignoring the Force Ghosts)

OBI-WAN  
(Crossing his arms under his Jedi robes)  
I feel rather useless... I’m quitting, this is hopeless.

ANAKIN  
Hopeless. HOPELESS?

(Throws his arms in the air as OBI-WAN vanishes)

We can’t- But. Obi-Waaaaan!!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)


	5. Out of the Red

 

 

  
ACT V  
Out of the Red

SCENE I

SETTING:

SNOKE has given the order to fire Starkiller at the Hosnian system to set an example for the Galaxy and eradicate the Republic. STARKILLER BASE is buzzing as last minutes preparation are made by the staff.

AT RISE:

HUX is on an elevated podium, his troops spread in front of him, officers standing in parade rest behind the General, and some of their equipment on display also. The FIRST ORDER banner is softly flapping with the cold breeze.

HUX  
(Standing straight, looking over the troops)  
Today is the end of the Republic.

ANAKIN  
(Snorting)  
You wish.

OBI-WAN  
(Looking at ANAKIN with bulgy eyes)  
Are… are you serious?

HUX  
(As if nothing happened)  
The end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder.

 

ANAKIN  
(Mockingly)  
Acquiesces. What a fancy word!

OBI-WAN  
You are just jealous their dialogues are better than ours.

(Sarcastically)

Thank Lucas for that.

HUX  
(In the zone)  
At this very moment in a system far from here, the New Republic lies to the galaxy…

ANAKIN  
Ah yes, because the First Order’s politics are very transparent.

 

HUX  
... while secretly supporting the treachery of the rogues of the Resistance. This fierce machine...

ANAKIN  
(Snorting)  
The Third Death Star.

HUX  
(Eyebrow twitching)  
...which you have built, upon which we stand will bring an end to the Senate, to their cherished fleet. All remaining systems will bow to the First Order and will remember this as the last day of the Republic!

 

ANAKIN  
(Claps)  
You would have made a decent politician!

 

HUX  
FIRE!

(OBI-WAN and ANAKIN watches sadly as the red beam lifts in the sky)

ANAKIN  
(Deflating)  
This is going to suck.

OBI-WAN  
Alderaan was a shock, five planets destroyed at the same time will be felt by every Force sensitive sentient being in the Galaxy.

(They both watches as HUX’s prideful stances wavers, shoulders falling  
HUX gasps, clenching his arms behind his back as he feels the ripples of the deaths in the Force)

ANAKIN  
I wonder how Kylo is handling it.

HUX  
(Turns to walk off, briskly and ignoring the officers that come forward, to congratulate him)  
Yes, thank you, I’m sorry, I have an emergency, let me pass. MOVE!

(The officers part and HUX storms off until he’s in his private quarters on STARKILLER BASE  
Waits until the doors are closed to fall on the floor, both fist slamming on the floor as he roars)

ANAKIN  
(Floats above HUX)  
Painful isn’t it?

HUX  
(Lifts his head and glare)  
Such is the price to pay for ORDER.

ANAKIN  
(Raise a brow)  
You call destroying 5 planets “order”?

(HUX feels nauseous, dry heaving)

OBI-WAN  
(Appears next to ANAKIN)  
If he’s in this state, it must not be pretty aboard the Finalizer.

ANAKIN  
(Looks with disgust at HUX curling on the floor and sobbing)  
Let’s go check on my grandson

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

ACT V  
SCENE II

SETTING:

STARKILLER was fired and effectively destroyed the targeted system. Throughout the universe, a great pain is felt through the Force, as many lives were instincted too early.

AT RISE:

REN is in his quarters on the FINALIZER, kneeling in front of the burnt mask on the pedestal, swaying, an empty bottle discarded at his side. ANAKIN is at the other corner of the room, staring silently, OBI-WAN by his side

REN  
(Hands over his ears)  
I can... feel. I can hear the pain, the despair, the cries. It hurts so much…

ANAKIN  
(Running to REN’s side)  
I’m so sorry, Kylo.

(Pets his hair, looking tearily at OBI-WAN)

We have to help him!

OBI-WAN  
I don’t know what to do, Anakin.

(YODA appears)

YODA  
Surprised, you must be, bitches. Last of me, thought you'd seen, hmm?

OBI-WAN  
Master Yoda!

YODA  
Out of the way, get you must, bitch. Deal with Ren, I will.

(Ren is crying, kneeling in front of his grandfather’s mask  
YODA floats above the mask, looking angry)

YODA  
(Pointing REN with his cane)  
Ben Solo!

ANAKIN  
Hoe, don’t do it!

YODA  
Shut the fuck up, you must. Handle the baby, I will.

(Turns toward REN)

BEN SOLO. FUCKED THIS UP, YOU HAVE. OFF YOUR ASS YOU WILL GET AND IN THE GENERAL’S PANTS, YOU WILL JUMP!

REN  
(Looks at YODA with wide eyes)  
Who… who the fuck are you?

YODA  
Here, to tell you to get your shit together, I am. Get it all together and in your helmet put it in, your shit, all of it, so together it is. If somewhere you gotta take it, take it, mmmh? To the shit station and sell it, or in a shit temple put it, if you must. What you do, I care not, you just gotta get it together... Your shit, together, get!

ANAKIN  
(Offended)  
You could be nicer to him!

YODA  
(Pointing his cane at ANAKIN)  
Nice to you I was, and kill innocent younglings, you did.

ANAKIN  
(Yelling, petulant)  
Kylo killed some younglings too!

OBI-WAN  
(Putting both his hands over his face)  
I have a bad feeling about this.

(ANAKIN pouts)

REN  
(Frowning, lower lip starting to tremble)  
I don’t know what to do. He hates me and I’ll never get to live happily with my soulmate!

YODA  
(Sighing)  
If like a grown up you acted, maybe, more inclined to interact with you, the General would be.

REN  
(Pensive)  
Maybe... if I asked him to draw me like a Twi’Leki?

YODA  
Do that, you will not. A strong impression on him, the dress left, try that again maybe, you should, hmm? Yeessssss!

REN  
(Perking up)  
Yes. Yes I suppose.

(REN raises from the floor, wiping his cheeks)

I did buy makeup, jewels and a few gowns.

ANAKIN  
That’s the spirit!

(A noise is heard, REN’s discarded comlink flashing)

REN  
(Picking it up, answering)  
This is Lord Ren.

MITAKA  
(Nervous)  
Sir, the droid was spotted on Todakana, at Maz’s Castle.

REN  
I will go and retrieve it myself. Plan a course for Todakana and prepare my shuttle.

MITAKA  
S-sir, yes sir. Mitaka out.

REN  
(Pumping his fist in the air)  
I can finally prove myself.

YODA  
Say, you don’t...

(Exit REN)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

ACT V  
SCENE III

SETTING:

The resistance has BB-8 and it’s only matter of time before they find LUKE SKYWALKER. Supreme Leader SNOKE orders the destruction of the Illenium system to erase the traces of the Resistance, once and for all. They strike back with everything they’ve got, to try and stop STARKILLER from firing at their base.

AT RISE:

HUX is standing in the command center, supervising the charging of the weapon and the fight between the FIRST ORDER Tie-fighter and the Resistance X-Wings. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN stay close to HUX as he gives Orders. The light is slowly fading as the sun is absorbed, plunging STARKILLER BASE in the darkness.

(An explosion is heard in the distance, alarms starting to blare  
HUX walks briskly to the window, assessing the damages)

HUX  
(Turning toward a First Order Officer, snapping)  
Dispatch all squadrons!

COLONEL DATOO  
Yes, General.

(HUX turns back toward the window, observing the battle)

ANAKIN  
(Nervously wracking his hands)  
I have a feeling of déjà vu.

OBI-WAN  
Coincidence? I think not…

ANAKIN  
I’m more worried about Ren. Did you sense Han Solo?

OBI-WAN  
(Rolling his eyes)  
Who didn’t?

(The tension is high in the control room as the weapon is charging and the battle rages outside)

PETTY OFFICER THANISSON  
There was a direct hit on the oscillator, Sir. No permanent damage to report, yet.

(HUX stops himself from pacing, standing still as he watches more and more X-Wings get taken down)

HUX  
(Hurries near a console, face pinched and expecting bad news)  
Report.

PETTY OFFICER UNAMO  
Weapon charged in fifteen minutes, sir.

(Battle is raging outside as Tie-Fighters and heavy cannon fight off the Resistance X-Wings  
A missile deadly hits and shreds an X-wing fighter in mid flight  
HUX watches as the ship crashes and burn)

ANAKIN  
(Shivering)  
Oh no.

HAN SOLO  
(OFF SCREEN)  
BEN!

(ANAKIN and OBI-WAN feel a disturbance in the Force  
The darkness is almost upon them, the sun nearly drained  
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN turn toward HUX  
HUX is standing at parade rest, hands clenched behind his back)

OBI-WAN  
(Appears next to HUX)  
Mother of Midichlorians.

(Looks toward ANAKIN)

I have a bad feeling about this.

ANAKIN  
(Closes his eyes)  
Wait for it….

(OFF STAGE)

(Laser Sword powering on)

ANAKIN  
(Starts to sing)  
♪Mmm whatcha say♪

(HUX digs his nails in his palms as feelings of grief and loss hits him hard  
HUX turns around, face set in a determined pout)

ANAKIN  
(Sensing HUX’s motives, breathes in)  
Boy….

(ANAKIN glares as HUX takes another step toward the exit)

You know nothing, General Hux.

OBI-WAN  
(Peering at HUX)  
Are you talking about the Force Bond, Anakin?

(HUX eyes widen as pain shoots through his left side, making him keel over  
OBI-WAN look back at ANAKIN, feeling powerless.  
HUX quickly turns toward the window to hide the pain written over his features and raises a hand to rest it on the transparisteel, trying to stay upright)

PETTY OFFICER UNAMO  
(Eyes locks on her screen)  
Weapon at full capacity in thirty seconds.

HUX  
(Straightening, trying not to waver under the onslaught of feelings from REN)  
Prepare to fire.

(HUX winces as pain shot through his arm  
STARKILLER BASE shakes as a huge explosion is visible in the distance, the oscillator cleary badly damaged)

PETTY OFFICER THANISSON  
The oscillator is still functional, despite the damage.

HUX  
(Paler than usual, sweat trickling on the back of his neck)  
Orders to fire are still standing.

ANAKIN  
(Increasingly anxious)  
We have to get him out here! HUX, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

(The Resistance X-Wings are getting in formation to attack the oscillator again  
More explosions in the distance, then a new wave of alarms start blaring  
HUX nods toward the Force Ghosts and discreetly make his way toward the emergency door of the control room)

(Exit HUX)

(Outside, the collapse of that planet has started, officers in the control room are witnessing the imminent doom of STARKILLER BASE with fear  
A young LIEUTENANT breaks rank and runs toward the exit)

COLONEL DATOO  
Lieutenant, get back to your station!

LIEUTENANT  
(Not even stopping, pointing at the many sinkholes gaining ground toward the control room)  
Just look. We won't survive! Even Hux is gone!

 

 

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

ACT V  
SCENE IV

(HUX slam his fist against the corridor wall, feeling a burning slash across his face and shoulder  
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN scouting ahead, turn around to stand at HUX’s side)

ANAKIN  
Where are you going? The shuttles to go back to Finalizer are that way!

(HUX grinds his teeth and keep on walking, one arm brace on the wall, the earth shaking under his feet, constantly throwing him off balance)

OBI-WAN  
Have you no survival instinct, boy?

ANAKIN  
The base is going _‘WHAT THE FUCK BOOOOOOM!’_ You have to leave Hux!

HUX  
(Resting against a wall, taking in a deep breath)  
I have… to report to... Supreme Leader.

OBI-WAN  
(Sarcastically)  
Ha yes. Supreme Leader...

(Looks at smudged writing on his hand)

Smoke!

ANAKIN  
(Hands fisted in his hair, pulling)  
HUX! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? SAVE YOUR OWN SKIN!

HUX  
(Slams his hand on the control panel of the assembly room, making his way carefully along the walkway, stopping at the bottom of the SNOKE hologram)  
The fuel cells have ruptured.

(HUX tries to keep it together but is horrified, heartsick)

The collapse of the planet has begun.

SNOKE  
(Grim and unhappy)  
Leave the base at once and come to me with Kylo Ren. It is time to complete his training.

HUX  
(Bowing)  
Yes, Supreme Leader.

ANAKIN  
Now can we get the fuck off of this EXPLODING planet?

(HUX makes his way with difficulty toward the docking bay, pain slowing his progress)

OBI-WAN  
I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but we haven’t made it to the shuttle yet and we still have to go out there and find Ren!

(A Stormtrooper turns the corner and almost slams into the General)

ML-0731  
(Standing straight, saluting HUX)  
Sir, we are evacuating, please come this way.

ANAKIN  
Finally some help from the bucketheads!

HUX  
(Jerking his head toward the docking bay)  
Not yet, we are not. I have order from Supreme Leader Snoke to go fetch his apprentice.

(The Stormtrooper rushes to follow his General, pointing a shuttle that is almost empty when they reach their destination)

ML-0731  
This one has a medbay and meddroids.

(They board the shuttle, another Stormtrooper jumping on board at the last second, as they take off)

EM-0710  
(Moving away from the open door, cold air rushing in, voice indicating she’s a woman)  
Has anyone heard about Captain Phasma’s location?

HUX  
(Rubbing his temples, wanting nothing less than twelve hours of deep sleep)  
We are on a rescue mission to extract Ren.

ANAKIN  
(Sarcastic)  
Glad to see you care enough about Ren to go save him from imminent death.

OBI-WAN  
Don’t forget he’s doing it because of Smoke’s order

(HUX gets up and goes to the open door, peering at the forest collapsing under them)

ML-0731  
(Coming to stand behind HUX)  
Sir, how do you plan on finding Ren?

HUX  
Well, I have this data pad synched with the tracker in Ren’s belt.

(HUX drops the datapad after a careful inspection of REN’s coordinates)

But this calls for drastic measures.

(HUX uses his hands like a megaphone)

DARTH VADER WAS AN ASTHMATIC CRIPPLE!

OBI-WAN  
(Snickers)  
True story.

(ANAKIN looks beyond insulted, crosses his arms and pouts  
The Stormtroopers exchange a look)

EM-0710  
Okay… that sounds fake but okay

REN  
(Voice echoing through the collapsing of the planet)  
FUCK YOU, HUX!

HUX  
(Pointing at a dark spot on the snow amongst the trees)  
THERE!

(The shuttle is brought as close to REN as it can, without landing)

ANAKIN  
(Appears on REN’s side, waving to signal his position)  
Over here!

HUX  
(Jumping down the transport, running toward REN’s side, snapping)  
Look at you! You got rekted by a noob! Totally owned by some _Scavenger Scum_!

REN  
(Whining under his breath)  
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

HUX  
(Scoffing)  
For once, I agree with you. Can you walk?

(REN shakes his head no  
HUX sighs and crouches down next to REN, grabbing him in a bridal carry  
HUX tries to get up, straining to lift REN, to no avail)

ML-0731  
(Appearing behind REN and HUX)  
Sir, we have a gurney if it helps…

(HUX grumble and moves away as the Stormtroopers loads REN and strap him down, bending and picking up something  
HUX leads the way back to the shuttle  
The shuttle flies away as fast as possible the planet core imploding, creating a new sun where the fierce weapon once stood  
HUX sneers at it, disgusted)

REN  
(Seething, as meddroids attends to his wounds)  
She dared to cut me with my grandfather’s Laser Sword! I will have revenge!

HUX  
(Rolling his eyes)  
That will have to wait, Snoke requested I bring you to him, so you can complete your training.

(HUX breathes with relief as the shuttle docks on the FINALIZER)

Try not to throw a tantrum while you are in med bay, it’s filled with expensive machinery.

(HUX walks away as soon as the shuttle door open, head filled with calculations and losses  
Exit HUX)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

ACT V  
SCENE V

SETTING:

The FINALIZER is on it’s way to the unidentified planet where SNOKE was waiting for them in his Citadelle. With the recent destruction of STARKILLER BASE, the FIRST ORDER resources are scarcer and the trip takes twice as long because of the low supplies and fuel.

AT RISE:

REN is lying on a bed in a separate corner of the Med Bay. The meddroids are overloaded with patients, more and more coming with each passing hours. HUX walks in, datapad in hand, absorbed by his readings. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are watching over REN, floating at the end of bed.

HUX  
(Swipes folder on his datapad, quickly scanning the informations)  
According to the scans you should be up and ruining my ship in no time. I can only hope you’ll recover after I drop you at Supreme Leader Snoke Citadelle but it looks like I am in no such luck.

REN  
(Stares at HUX, baffled)  
Why won’t you let me love you? We are soulmates. Can’t you feel the bond?

HUX  
(Looks appalled for a long time, shaking his head and sneering)  
I’d rather eat my own hat, than lay a finger on you.

ANAKIN  
(Looking at HUX, betrayal carved in his features)  
You were the chosen one! It’s the Force that brought you together, why are you rejecting him? You are supposed to help him reach balance in the Force, not stomp on his heart with your boot heel!

OBI-WAN  
(Smug, crossing his arms under his Jedi robes)  
Oh, how the tables have turned.

REN  
(Lifting a hand toward HUX, narrowing his eyes)  
To the banthas with my promise not to read your mind!

(REN moves his hand with a grand gesture, focused on HUX  
The Force INTENSIFIES)

Open. Your mind. Stop having it be closed!

HUX  
(Not moving, mental shields up, thinking of meetings and numbers)  
Shit is about to go down, if you think you can rummage freely in my head.

REN  
(Tries to probe deeper with the Force, hand shaking)  
Say it!

HUX  
(Cold and collected)  
Never.

REN  
(Tearing up)  
SAY WE ARE SOULMATES!

HUX  
(Spits in REN face)  
Fuck you.

(REN drops his hand, shell-shocked from HUX move)

OBI-WAN  
(Scandalized)  
BRENDOL HUX JR, SPITTING ON PEOPLE’S FACES IS UNCIVILIZED!

ANAKIN  
(Pointing menacingly at HUX)  
DON’T MAKE ME GET YOU A “GET ALONG SHIRT”

HUX  
(Steps closer to REN, running a hand in his damp hair, grabbing a fistfull and yanking down, hard, eyes meeting)  
I hate repeating myself, but since you seem to be one dense motherfucker, I will say it one more time. You are insufferable and I despise you, from the bottom of my soul. I can’t wait to drop you back to your master, he seems to be the only one that can yank on your leash hard enough to shake some sense into you.

REN  
(Wiping his cheek with a defiant look)  
Everyone in the Galaxy knows gingers have no soul...

ANAKIN  
(Rolling his eyes)  
Weak. That wasn’t a burn, it wasn’t good enough to be considered a retort.

HUX  
(Lifts REN chin and brings their faces close)  
If only there was someone out there who loved you.

(Pushes REN face away with a disgusted face)

Goodbye, you little shit.

(HUX turns around and stomps out the Med Bay  
Exit HUX)

OBI-WAN  
(Shaking his head disapprovingly)  
Well, that escalated quickly.

ANAKIN  
(Mouth hanging open)  
Wow, that was pretty brutal.

OBI-WAN  
(Looks down at REN)  
If you listened closely, you could actually pinpoint the exact moment his heart shattered, like Starkiller Base.

(REN hits his bandages until his wound re-opens, bleeding profusely)

ANAKIN  
This is so not gonna help with his abandonment issues.

REN  
(Shed a single, manly tear and hangs his head down in sadness)  
I’ve made a huge mistake...

(The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel starts to play)

 _Hello darkness my old friend._

 

 

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

ACT V  
SCENE V

SETTING:

The FINALIZER is slowly but steadily making its way toward SNOKE's Citadelle, where KYLO REN is expected to finish his training. The KNIGHT OF REN was discharged from Med Bay two days after the explosion of STARKILLER BASE, sent to his quarters and told to wait there until their arrival.

AT RISE:

REN is lying on his bed in the dark, only a few bulbs dimly lit casting shadows in the near empty room. A hand is resting on the bandage where REN was hit by the bowcaster, blood seeping through it. He's alone, whispering from time to time as his hand digs in the wound, when a chime at his door startles him.

(REN sits straight on his bed, glaring toward the door)

REN  
(Shouting)  
GO AWAY!

(The chime is persistent)

REN  
(Uses the Force to open the door, not moving from his spot)  
GET OUT!

(Makes a gesture toward the man entering his room  
Nothing happens  
HUX walks in closer to the bed, stepping in the light  
REN glares and take in the disheveled appearance of HUX, crumpled uniform, ginger beard unshaven, dark shadows under his eyes and locks of hair falling in his eyes )

HUX  
(Raising a brow, a bottle of Corellian whiskey slowly lift into view)  
I come in peace, Ren.

ANAKIN  
(Popping his head from behind HUX shoulder)  
He brought company too!

HUX  
(Rolling his eyes)  
A certain someone kept bothering me... about my attitude toward you in Med bay.

ANAKIN  
(Nodding)  
That's right! Now say you're sorry!

REN  
I don't care.

HUX  
(Let out a long sigh)  
I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

(HUX shivers)

Something... very dark took over me. I... Don't know how to explain it.

REN  
(Scoffs)  
Not my problem.

HUX  
(Opens the bottle and takes a long swig)  
I lied.

(Silence falls for a minute  
HUX deflates, taking another gulp)

I do feel the bond. It pulls... and tugs at me and I don't understand it...

ANAKIN  
I don't understand it either. I've never seen something like that. Force Bonds are meant to be between Master and Padawan.

HUX  
(Groans)  
Even Anakin doesn't know what's going on. So. Here I am. Explain it to me.

REN  
(Lays back down in his bed)  
No.

HUX  
(Stomps toward the chair facing the burnt mask, settling down on it)  
Is that...?  


(Points the burnt mask, curiosity writen over his featuers)

ANAKIN  
(Floats above the mask)  
Good ol' buckethead! I do not miss it at all...

(HUX takes another sip of the whiskey, eyes fixed on the mask  
REN turns his back to HUX, facing the wall)

REN  
It's not fair. Why can't I see him?

HUX  
(Scratches his chin, grumbling)  
Trust me, I don't want to see them...

(Looks at ANAKIN floating above his burnt mask)

When you... killed your dad. Back on the base... You felt the pull of the light, didn't you?

REN  
(Brings his knees to his chest, curling in a ball, answering softly)  
Yes...

HUX  
(Sighs and drinks)  
It... it felt like darkness took over me... inside me... When... When I said these things to you.

REN  
(Turn is head slightly to the side)  
Darkness?

HUX  
(Nods, locking eyes with REN)  
It didn't feel like myself...

REN  
(Slowly turning around, wincing, hesitating)  
Maybe... you were possessed by Snoke?

HUX  
(Horrified, looks at ANAKIN)  
I don't... think so?

ANAKIN  
(Shrugs)  
I can't tell.

REN  
(Sits on his bed, back against the wall, hand resting on his bandages)  
It's hard to explain. Snoke possessed me only once and I gave myself willingly. If you don't give consent, it's a very painful process...

HUX  
(Drinks silently for a while)  
Can you... explain the difference between the Light Force and the Dark Force?

REN  
(Wince, thoughtful)  
It's hard to describe... The Dark side is like a fire that burns away, feeds off from your body, as you gain more and more power. The stronger you are in the Dark Side, the more it drags you down, scars and rots your body away. Just take a look at Snoke. The Light is... Like air? It compels you to leave behind your body and make one with the Force. That's why Jedi’s meditate so much. That's why there is no corpse left behind for the Jedi’s that do make one with the Force. Like Obi-Wan.

ANAKIN  
(Nods at HUX)  
Sounds about right.

HUX  
(Raising a brow)  
Can a user of the Dark Side make one with the Force too?

REN  
(Glares at HUX)  
I don't know! All my knowledge from the Light comes from Skywalker and his knowledge was pretty limited. I remember him telling me that, despite being the paragon of the Dark Side, grandfather still had some light in him and that's how he was saved.

HUX  
(Looks at the burnt mask)  
But there was a body...

(A voice is heard OFF SCENE)

STRANGER  
Making one with the Force can take many forms. Also, blame the medichlorians.

(HUX and REN jumps in surprise)

ANAKIN  
Who...?

QUI-GON JIN  
(Steps in from a dark corner)  
Greetings Anakin. It is nice to see you, after all these years.

ANAKIN  
(Happily saunters toward his old master)  
Master Qui-Gon!

(REN is looking at the Force Ghost with his mouth wide open)

HUX  
(Groans)  
Great. Another one.

(Starts to drink again)

REN  
I... I can see him!

(Winces as he tries to get up)

QUI-GON  
(Nodding toward REN)  
I come here to provide answers to your questions, young one.

REN  
(Talking rapidly)  
Why can't I see grandfather and Master Kenobi like the General?

QUI-GON  
(Strikes his beard)  
You are not trained enough in the Light to be able to communicate with them.

REN  
(Throws his arms in the air, exasperated)  
Hux is not even Force sensitive.

QUI-GON  
(Chuckles softly)  
Oh, but he is now.

HUX & REN  
(Simultaniously)  
WHAT?

QUI-GON  
You are soulmates. Perfect opposite, yet complimentary. When the Light takes over Ren, the Darkness takes over Hux. Only together can you bring balance and find peace.

HUX  
(Stammering)  
But... but I can't use the Force.

QUI-GON  
(Looking calmly at HUX)  
Have you tried it?

HUX  
(Jaw drops)  
N-no. I don't know...

REN  
(Raises his hand and rips the bottle from HUX grasp, floating it toward him)  
Take it back.

(Lifts the bottle to his lips and drinks)

HUX  
(Frustrated)  
I don't know HOW!

QUI-GON  
(Walks next to HUX)  
Close you eyes General.

(Waits until HUX reluctantly closes his eyes)

Good. Now, empty your mind, focus on the bottle you want to bring back to you. Feel it's weight, it's shape. Let the Force flow through you, feel how it surrounds you and take control of it.

(REN watches fascinated as HUX slowly lifts his arm, hand extended toward the bottle)

QUI-GON  
Good. Call it to you, picture it floating toward your hand.

(HUX bites his lip, a bead of sweat rolling on his temple)

QUI-GON  
Don't try to bend it to your will. Let it flow through you.

(REN eyes bulge as the bottle tremble in his hand, shaking before being rip from his grip)

REN  
WATCH OUT!

HUX  
(Open his eyes, confused)  
Uh?

(The bottle smacks him right in the face)

REN  
(Tries to move but a sharp pain makes him cry out)  
HUX!

(The bottle is floating a few inches from the ground  
QUI-GON makes a gesture with his hand and it gently settles down  
REN and HUX are groaning in pain, left hands over their faces)

REN  
(Wincing in pain)  
You have to open your eyes to catch the bottle!

HUX  
(Throwing his arms in the air, frustrated)  
I didn't know! He didn't tell me!

QUI-GON  
(Nodding, satisfied)  
It seems like my work here is done.

REN  
WAIT!

(Bites his lips then takes a deep breath)

I want to be trained in the Light, so I can talk to my grandfather.

QUI-GON  
I'm afraid I'm not the one who can teach you that, young Kylo.

ANAKIN  
It was so nice seeing you Master Qui-Gon!

QUI-GON  
(Waving)  
Stay classy, Qui-Gon out.

REN  
(Slamming his head against the wall)  
My brain is full of fucks...

HUX  
(Bends down and grabs the bottle on the floor)  
Ugh. Same.

(Takes a long swig of the whiskey)

REN  
(Glares)  
So I guess I'll have to teach you the ways of the Force now...

HUX  
(Shaking his head)  
No you can't. We're dropping you off tomorrow.  
(HUX makes a face and drinks more)  
Hopefully, the distance will lessen the burden of the Bond.

ANAKIN  
I highly doubt that.

HUX  
(Sighs and looks up at ANAKIN)  
Could we have some privacy please?

ANAKIN  
(Perks up, excited)  
Of course! I'll let you two make it it out... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?  


(Winks)

HUX  
(Facepalms)  
Please.

(ANAKIN disappears while cackling madly)

REN  
(Lifts his arms and wills the bottle to him)  
So what's next? You'll tell me you have Palpatine's Light Swords hidden somewhere in your quarters, because you're his grandson?

HUX  
(Shakes his head)  
No, you idiot. I wanted to talk about the Bond...  


(REN groans and starts to drink)

HUX  
(Rubs his forehead, sighing)  
Look. Let's be real. If we do try this soulmate slash Force Bond shenanigans, I want to make one thing clear. I will never love you as much as you love me. I am somewhat... defective on this side of the spectrum. I definitely lust after you, I can't deny that. I can't say that I harbor feelings of love for you... Yet I can't bring myself to entirely hate you either. What I said to you in the infirmary wasn't true, I spoke under the stress of pain and the influence of the Dark Side.

REN  
(Finishing the bottle and throwing it on the other side of the room, bottle exploding)  
I. DON'T. CARE. Just...

(Deflates)

Don't push me away. Please.

HUX  
(Opens his mouth, closes it. Thinks)  
I can do that. But duty will always come first.

REN  
(Rolls his eyes)  
As if I didn't know that already.

HUX  
(Nods)  
Well that-  


(Comlinks chimes, interrupting him)

Duty calls.

(Gets up, sighing and raking his hand in his unkempt hair)

I will come back after my shift.

(Nods toward REN and walks toward the door)

REN  
Hux?

(Waits until HUX turns and looks at him)

Can I touch your hair?

HUX  
(Makes a rude gesture toward him)  
Over my dead body.

REN  
Then please, go shave.

(HUX rolls his eyes and walks off  
EXIT HUX)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Cat that let me use their [](http://sweet-refractor.tumblr.com/post/143252704895/crackheadcanon-one-of-the-knights-of-ren-is-a)Tumblr Post for Daft <3


	6. Paint the Town Red

  
ACT VI  
Paint the Town Red

  
Scene  
Finalizer

Time  
36 years after the Battle of Endor

SCENE I

SETTING:

It’s been two years since KYLO REN was sent to finish his training. The General is growing more and more exhausted, between the raids of the Resistance and the constant pain he’s put through with the FORCE BOND, HUX is wearing thin. He has lost of lot of weight and looks five years older with his beard never shaven.

AT RISE:

HUX and PHASMA are sitting in the personal office of the General, drinking. HUX is slouching and winces in pain from time to time. ANAKIN is standing worryingly at HUX side while OBI-WAN is spread on the couch next to PHASMA.

PHASMA  
(Taking a sip from her glass)  
You look like shit.

HUX  
(Rubbing a hand over his eyes)  
Feels like it. I put my boots on the wrong feet this morning.

(Sighs)

I am mentally DEAD.

PHASMA  
Missing your boyfriend?

HUX  
(Slamming his glass down on the desk)  
HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!

(Vision swimming, the effort taken to express his rage sucking almost of all of his energy  
Sighs and sinks back in his chair, tired)

It’s the stupid Force Bond…

ANAKIN  
Just go get him already!

HUX  
(Eye twitching)  
Between the Force Ghost and the pain that I have to endure through the Bond, I honestly don’t know how I can still stand up.

PHASMA  
You keep referring to that Bond but never quite explained it to me…

OBI-WAN  
Oh, do explain! I would love to hear you insight on it.

(Narrows his eyes and looks in the distance)

Not sure if Force Bond or Soulmate Force connection.

HUX  
(Finishes his drink)  
It’s… Like a comlink open between me and Ren. Except it does not only transfer voice, it connects our thoughts, feelings and pain, everything is shared. I can close certain… channels, if you can say. I keep my thoughts very private and Ren does the same. I can sense some strong feelings, but it’s about it. The physical pain… that one I can’t…

(Shivers)

Every bruise, every cut, every painful touches is shared... It’s worst since we dropped Ren off...

PHASMA  
(Refills HUX glass and hers)  
So, what are you going to do about it?

HUX  
(Snorts and answer sarcastically)  
What CAN I do about it?

PHASMA  
You could always kill Snoke and take over the First Order.

(She takes a sip)

And save Ren.

(PHASMA adds as an afterthought)

HUX  
(Balking)  
What you are suggesting is HIGH TREASON! The First Order is my life, I can’t…

(Exasperated)

One does not simply walks into Snoke’s Citadelle!

ANAKIN  
REALLY? The First Order is your life? 

OBI-WAN  
(Judging the redhead)  
I thought you finally decided to drop the act, Brendol.

HUX  
(Groans and smash his face against the desk)  
Fine. Let’s pretend…

(Lifts his head and glare at PHASMA)

Let’s pretend for one second, I entertain this thought. Me and whose army is going to rain down on Snoke’s Citadelle to save Ren, mhh? Certainly not your Stormtroopers, programmed to be loyal to the First Order, since birth! 

PHASMA  
(Shrugging)  
We could recondition them so they follow YOU instead of Snoke.

HUX  
(Wince and brings his hand to his nose, wiping some blood)  
I might not hold until then…

ANAKIN  
I know! We could ask for Luke and Rey’s help!

HUX  
(Scowl scrunches his face)  
Skywalker and the Scavenger Scum? How about no?

(Shakes his head)

No thank you, I think I’d rather die.

PHASMA  
(Used to HUX talking to himself)  
Someone that has Ren’s wellbeing at heart and be willing to help us…. Tell me again, who are those Ghost following you around?

HUX  
(Waving in the Ghosts direction)  
General Obi-Wan Kenobi and General Anakin Skywalker from the Clones War...

ANAKIN  
(Fondly)  
Aaaw, look at him pulling ranks!

PHASMA  
Skywalker. As in, the one that became the legendary Sith? The one Ren is geeking about and started a Fanclub in his memory?

HUX  
(Groans)  
Sure! Now that I am Force Sensitive, let’s call upon the Knight of Ren, well known Force Sensitive HUNTERS.

OBI-WAN  
(Stroking his beard)  
This… Might be a good idea. Shifting their allegiance from Snoke to Kylo must be feasible. He his their Master after all.

HUX  
(Looking at OBI-WAN with a deadpan expression)  
And how do you suggest we do that?

(PHASMA drinks, watching HUX)

OBI-WAN  
(Points ANAKIN)  
Well, it’s quite simple. We send them their idol.

HUX  
(Starts to laugh)  
They will never recognise Anakin as he his now. Look at him!

ANAKIN  
Challenge accepted!

(ANAKIN suddenly glows in a darker shade of blue, almost black, features melting into white scared skin, eyes turning yellow, rimmed with red, the shadows of the Darth Vader mask constantly shifting over his features, creating a terrifying and menacing sight ANAKIN pulls his black hood over his head, looming above HUX)

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

(HUX shrinks back in his chair, looking at ANAKIN with awe)

PHASMA  
(Trying to sound casual)  
Care to enlighten me on your little conversation with your friends?

HUX  
(Closes his eyes and sighs)  
Darth Vader wants to go and talk to the Knights of Ren.

PHASMA  
(Shrugging)  
I don’t see the harm in that.

HUX  
(Looking at the ceiling)  
What is my life?

OBI-WAN  
Can you maybe chill?

HUX  
(Pointing with his glass in hand and glaring at OBI-WAN)  
How about maybe YOU chill?

ANAKIN  
It's a brilliant plan! I'm off to scare some sense into them!

(EXIT ANAKIN)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VI  
SCENE II  


SETTING:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are on their way back from a mission to extract a Sith Holocron in the UNKNOWN REGIONS. The mission was a success and they are eager to go back to their leaders.

AT RISE:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are sitting around in a rec room, celebrating and drinking. They are in various states of undressing none of them wearing a mask, passing around a couple of bottles of specially brewed liquor.

TANK  
(Human, male, late 50’s, short black hair, sprawled on a chair, a bottle in hand, huge gun on his lap)  
There's something changed in Kylo, I just can't put my finger on it...

DAFT  
(Aquala, Female, age unknown, holopad on her knees, sighing and holding her face as she squeals)  
He's in looooove!!  
(Resume typing on her holopad)

TRASH  
(Gotal, Male, 36, horns perking up)  
That's always your answer! 

DAFT  
(Shrugging and not looking up from her holopad, typing furiously)  
It's true! I've seen how he pins for the General.

(BROMIDIC, humane, male, 25, signs, hands moving fast)

TANK  
Right on Bromi! There is something to is Force signature... a second presence.

KANGOROO  
(Rodian, male, sixty, wearing a cowboy hat, waving a bottle around as he talks, almost knocking his sniper gun resting propping up next to him)  
Fukken oath, mate, we all know the bloke wants to snag a root. It's not like he hides it!

TRASH  
I have no clue what he just said. What do you think, Kaboom?

KABOOM  
(Gand, male, 55, twitching in a corner alone, surrounded by guns, grenades and disassembled parts)  
KABOOM!

(BROMIDIC hands moves quickly, DAFT concentrating on him)

DAFT  
Tell that K-A-N-J-I-K-L-U-B...

(KABOOM and TANK start to laugh to tears)

Tell that to Kanjiklub? Oh!

(DAFT starts to laugh)

TRASH  
I don't get it?

KANGOROO  
(Rolling his eyes fondly)  
You dag!

TRASH  
(Drinks from his bottle)  
I have to agree... for the weird Force signature...

TANK  
(Taking a bite from a sandwich he just grabbed from the pile in front of him)  
I approve of the General. He has the cutest cat. Orange, like his hair! Isn't that hilarious?

TRASH  
It takes the Master’s focus off. There's only one thing: missions.

DAFT  
Aaaw, loosen up a bit! He's waaay more powerful now! I bet he's stronger than Vader!

(The KNIGHTS OF REN, minus DAFT, gasp in horror)

KABOOM  
Heretic!

KANGOROO  
You're fukken dero, mate.

DAFT  
(Haughtily)  
Our Leader is the strongest there is. Is power is over Nine Thousand!

(ANAKIN appears in his VADER shifting form, looming, yellow with red rimmed eyes glaring at the KNIGHTS OF REN through his hood  
The KNIGHTS OF REN fall on their knees)

KNIGHTS  
(Protesting themselves in front of VADER, chanting together)  
WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!

VADER  
ENOUGH!

(The KNIGHTS still, face on the floor)

VADER  
Knights of Ren. Wait for it.

(Takes a dramatic pause)

I have a Quest for you. You need to free yourself from Snoke's hold. He's holding you back, poisoning your powers. 

DAFT  
(In awe)  
It will be done!

KABOOM  
DIE!

TRASH  
We are your servants, Lord Vader.

TANK  
Show us the way, Lord Vader.

VADER  
You need to free my grandson from his bond with the Supreme Leader, only then, will you be able to kill him.

TRASH  
(Snorting)  
You make it sound easy.

VADER  
(Makes a gesture toward TRASH, Force choking him)  
I FIND YOU LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING!

KANGOROO  
(Crawls forward, kneeling in front of VADER)  
Well, Lord Vador... if you need a sniper, I, Kangaroo Ren, am your bloke!

TRASH  
(Crawls and takes KANGOROO's place in front of VADER)  
I, Trash Ren, Ashes Collector, promise on my life that I will in the future be faithful to you Lord Vader and our esteem leader Kylo Ren, never causing you harm and will observe my homage to you completely against all persons in good faith and without deceit. 

DAFT  
(Takes TRASH placem BROMIDIC protesting next to her)  
I, Daft Ren, Rogue, already serving Kylo Ren your grandson with devotion, will put my life in the balance for this Quest.

(BROMIDIC sits on his knees, eyes on the floor, signing  
DAFT talks as he signs)

I, Platitudinous Ren, known as Bromidic, Monk, will serve you until my death.

TANK  
(Takes DAFT place)  
I, Tank Ren, Heavy, promise and declare that I will, when opportunity presents, make and wage relentless war, secretly or openly, against all heretics, as I am directed to do, to extirpate and exterminate them from the face of the whole galaxy; and that I will spare neither age, sex or condition; and that I will hang, waste, boil, flay, strangle and bury alive these infamous heretics, rip up the stomachs and wombs of their women and crush their infants' heads against the walls, in order to annihilate forever their execrable races. That when the same cannot be done openly, I will secretly use the poisoned cup, the strangulating cord, the steel of the poniard or the leaden bullet, regardless of the honor, rank, dignity, or authority of the person or persons, whatever may be their condition in life, either public or private, as I at any time may be directed so to do by you, Lord Vader.

KABOOM  
(Takes TANK place)  
I, KABOOM REN, ARMORY. IUSTUM, NECAR, REGES, IMPIOUS.

(The KNIGHTS form a half-circle in front of VADER)

DAFT  
Kylo Ren is in good hands Lord Vader. We serve him now, he will be free of our former Master’s bond.

VADER  
(Disappearing in a flashy smoke screen, voice echoing)  
Make me proud Knights of Ren!

TANK  
(With awe in his voice)  
Most badass exit EVER!

DAFT  
Swiggity swag, Lord Vader is so wizard!

(Giggle)

(The KNIGHTS stand up and go back to sit haphazardly around the room)

TRASH  
(Standing close to DAFT)  
Well, that should give you enough fuel to write a dozen more of fanfics!

DAFT  
(Excitedly)  
I'm so inspired! Want to hear the latest I wrote?

(TRASH and DAFT sit close on a couch, holopad displaying text)

KANGOROO  
What're we gonna do about Supreme Dickhead Snoke to make sure Kylo Ren gets a fair go?

TRASH  
I'll go make research.

(Stands up grabbing a bottle on the table and taking a swig  
EXIT TRASH)

DAFT  
(Talking louder, with glee in his voice, and a manic glint in her eye)  
“I thoroughly enjoy mating with you,”

(She makes a dramatic pause)

“... even though this form of coitus cannot result in offspring.”

(TANK starts to laugh, slapping his thighs with glee)

KANGOROO  
Strewth, what a drama. Shit just got real.

(BROMIDIC signs the affirmative)

TRASH  
(Settling comfortably in the couch)  
We'll see soon, ETA to the Citadelle is 2 hours.

KABOOM  
DIE!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VI  
SCENE III  


SETTING:

HUX is physically strained by the torture endured by KYLO REN, on top of his training in the ways of the Light. OBI-WAN and YODA are pushing the General to train every day, relentlessly and it’s taking a toll on him.

AT RISE:

HUX is in his quarter, facing a row of cups placed on his desk, arm raised, OBI-WAN at his side. PHASMA is sitting on the couch, watching HUX with rapt attention a drink in hand, sipping it slowly. YODA and WINDU are in the corner playing sabacc.

HUX  
(Let his arm fall)  
I can’t do it. 

ANAKIN  
(Appearing behind HUX)  
I wouldn’t have pegged you for a quitter, General!

HUX  
(Jumping)  
SHITSPIT! ANAKIN! I told you to stop creeping up behind me like that!!

ANAKIN  
(Giggle)  
I see the lessons are going horribly. It reminds me of Ben trying to push himself into having more vision.

OBI-WAN  
(Rubbing his eyes with one hand)  
Please leave the Painful Pinning in the past.

HUX  
(Jealous)  
Pinning on who?

ANAKIN  
(Pats HUX cheek, laughing)  
Do not worry your pretty ginger head. It was you. Ben started to have vision about you when he was, what? About eight. 

HUX  
(Grumbles)  
Whatever.

(Raise his hand and expire slowly)

ANAKIN  
(Walking toward YODA and WINDU)  
WHAT'S UP BITCHES? Guess who I met earlier?

QUI-GON  
(Appearing behind HUX)  
'Sup?

WINDU  
Qui-Gon, you old piece of shit! How are you?

HUX  
(Sighing and lowering his head)  
Master Jin.

OBI-WAN  
Master Qui-Gon!

(Runs and hugs the older man)

It's so nice to see you! 

ANAKIN  
(Pulling OBI-WAN away from QUI-GON)  
I come back from paying a visit to the Knights of Ren, to enlist their help and defeat Snoke!

HUX  
Could you keep it down? You are suppose to report at 2000. It’s 1900 and it’s training time.

OBI-WAN  
(Goes to HUX side, crossing his arms under his Jedi robes)  
Empty your mind. Visualize the bottles.

ANAKIN  
Stop having kinky thoughts~

HUX  
(Eye twitching)  
My kink is you sHUTING THE FUCK UP!

(PHASMA starts to laugh, shaking her head and sipping on her drink, amused)

ANAKIN  
Don’t get your panties in a notch!

OBI-WAN  
ANAKIN! He needs to focus on the Light side! Stop taunting him.

HUX  
Anakin. Go in the corner with the others and LET ME TRAIN UNTIL 2000 HOURS!

PHASMA  
(Deadpan)  
He is a stickler for schedules.

(HUX huffs and closes his eyes, exhaling, fill with dread  
ANAKIN sits with the Force Ghosts and starts to talk)

ANAKIN  
(Making gestures with his hands)  
One of them was all: ‘Yo, Vader is so wizard, mate!’ So, I appeared and they all fell to their knees and they kept chanting: ‘We’re not worthy!’, it was hilarious! So after they grovelled enough for my taste, I told them: "We should take Snoke and push it somewhere else."

WINDU  
The perfect word, as usual.

(HUX growls, turning his head toward the talking Force Ghosts)

OBI-WAN  
There will be distractions during your fight with Snoke. Concentration is the key.

ANAKIN  
And then I told them: “I used to be a Jedi, but then I took an arrow to the knee!”

(WINDU and YODA laughs)

QUI-GON  
(Desperate to change the subject)  
And how is Kylo Ren?

(YODA looks sideway at WINDU)

WINDU  
(Looking sideways at YODA)  
Bitch what?

YODA  
Bitch you know.

ANAKIN  
(Talking excitedly)  
YOU KNOW ABOUT MY GRANDSON? You should have SEEN him in the red dress, he looked AMAZING!

(ANAKIN keeps talking about his grandson excitedly  
YODA and WINDU sighs)

PHASMA  
(Watching HUX who’s getting more exasperated by the second)  
Honestly, how close are you to losing your shit?

HUX  
(Makes a tiny space between his thumb and index)  
This close, Phasma.

OBI-WAN  
(Throwing his arms in the air, infuriated)  
I don’t know what else to tell you! I can’t show you schematics! It’s the Force! You have to feel it! 

HUX  
(Chanting under his breath)  
The midichlorians are the powerhouse of the Force… The midichlorians are the powerhouse of the Force… The midichlorians are the powerhouse of the Force… The midichlorians are the powerhouse of the Force…  
OBI-WAN  
WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?

HUX  
(Angry, waves his hand and sends the empty cups crashing on the wall)  
THERE!

(The Force Ghost stop talking and look at the scene  
PHASMA politely claps)

OBI-WAN  
(Shakes his head)  
No. You taped in Kylo’s Dark Side. You were angry. Again.

(Waves his hand and the cups realign neatly on the desk)

(PHASMA gasps)

HUX  
(Squaring his shoulders)  
That wasn’t me.

OBI-WAN  
Of course it wasn’t you, you can’t feel anything!

ANAKIN  
(Walking next to OBI-WAN)  
He hasn’t made progress at all?

OBI-WAN  
If you’d stop antagonizing him, he might get somewhere!

ANAKIN  
(Crossing his arms, glaring at OBI-WAN)  
Maybe it’s you Master. He did perfectly fine under Master Qui-Gon’s guidance.

OBI-WAN  
(Turning to face ANAKIN)  
TOO BAD, YOU TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE. CAN’T TEACH HIM THE LIGHT, NOW, CAN YOU?

(ANAKIN and OBI-WAN keep bickering in the background  
HUX makes faces, the cups start to shake  
The cups lift in the air one by one, they start rotating on themselves  
HUX open his eyes, smiling smugfully)

HUX  
There.

(ANAKIN and OBI-WAN stop arguing and look at the cups)

OBI-WAN  
(Making a ‘Not Bad’ face)  
See, when you apply yourself.

PHASMA  
(Clapping and cheering)  
Well done General!

HUX  
(Snorts and lowers the cups one by one)  
It’s getting easier!

(Move his hand and lifts PHASMA’s helmet, making it spin  
HUX starts to laugh)

So this is what it feels like to be strong in the Force!

(YODA and WINDU exchange a look  
QUI-GON is watching while stroking his beard)

ANAKIN  
(Cocking his head on the side)  
Are you tapping in Ren’s powers again?

HUX  
(Lower the helmet)  
Doesn’t feel like it.

(Readjusts his uniform)

Now, let’s talk putsch. How did the Knights answered?

ANAKIN  
(Looking disturbed for a second)  
One of them swore himself to me by yelling “It is just to exterminate or annihilate impious or heretical kings, governments, or rulers”.

(ANAIN sighs and side glances at PHASMA)

They are a little unhinged, but I’d trust them. 

HUX  
Good enough. Here’s the plan. Phasma, you’ll deliver the schematics for the second Starkiller Base, with a regiment of Stormtrooper. Hopefully by then, the Bond will be broke and Snoke will be dead. Some of the Knights may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make. I swoop in, finish the job, if they can’t, and create my own Empire!

(Rubs his hands with glee)

Let’s start the reprogramming of the officers, right now. I’ll send you a list of priorities, a few potential candidates I’ve kept my eyes on and you’ll start mass reprogramming for the Stormtrooper tomorrow. Let’s keep this for the crew of the Finalizer for now, but prepare the order to be send to the rest of the outposts as soon as Snoke is dead.

(OBI-WAN shivers as HUX’s eyes grow more and more maniac)

ANAKIN  
YES! I knew I liked that boy!

(HUX laughs maniacally in the background)

OBI-WAN  
(Horrified)  
What have we created?

ANAKIN  
(Gleeful)  
The perfect Emperor!

HUX  
(Straightening his hair)  
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few Orders to prepare.

(EXIT HUX)

OBI-WAN  
(Shocked)  
At first I was like “This is a good idea!”, but then he started to laugh like a maniac...

ANAKIN  
(Interrupting OBI-WAN)  
Soulmates, Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN  
(Groans)  
What have I gotten myself into?

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VI  
SCENE IV  


SETTING:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are getting ready for their ritual, hiding their true purpose from SNOKE while going on missions and bringing back clandestinely the items needed. HUX has been successfully reprogramming the vast majority of the crew of the FINALIZER, only having trouble with his training, has it had come to a solid halt after HUX had ended a gruesome session with a bloody nose.

AT RISE:

HUX is sitting at the desk in his quarters, looking tired and sick. He’s very pale, dark bags under his eyes, hair longer than usual and a long, unkempt beard, several weeks old. A holopad is glowing in front of him, only source of light in the room. PHASMA is speaking in hushed tones, looking nervously behind her shoulders from time to time.

PHASMA  
This is the last stop that I can make to delay the delivery. Have the Knights hold their side of the bargain? 

HUX  
(Haggard)  
No… I… I don’t know, it just feels like something is draining me...

PHASMA  
I’m worried about you Sir...

(HUX slams his fist against the desk)

HUX  
I’m fine. Just. Carryout your Orders.

(PHASMA nods and the transmission is cut)

HUX  
(Sits back, shaking his hand with a hiss)  
Well, that should get his attention.

(A sigh, then HUX closes his eyes)

Ren. What’s going on?

(REN appears, sitting in the couch facing the desk)

REN  
(Shaking his hand with a hiss)  
Did you break something? I kriffin’ swear, you do this on purpose, it’s my LASER SWORD HAND!

HUX  
(Irritated)  
Oh hush. Why haven’t the Knights performed the ritual already?

REN  
(Scowling)  
Do you know how hard, ancient and complicated this ritual is?

HUX  
(Bored)  
Don’t know, don’t care. Phasma will arrive tomorrow have it done BEFORE that!

REN  
(Rolling his eyes, sarcasm dripping in his tone)  
Yes, love, it will be done.

HUX  
(Sighs deeply)  
Fine. And please be- 

ANAKIN  
(Appears on the couch, next to REN)  
Hello General! Want some company?

HUX  
(Rubbing a glove hand over his still closed eyes)  
No. Go away.

ANAKIN  
Can’t stop, won’t stop.

REN  
(Eyes bulging)  
Someone is-

HUX  
(Scrunches up his face)  
I feel something… warm? And uplifting.

LEIA  
(OFF STAGE)  
You never felt love before?

HUX  
(Jumps, closing his eyes harder, tone clipped)  
General Organa. C-can’t said I have, ma’am.

REN  
Hux, what’s going on?

LEIA  
(OFF STAGE)  
So you’re the one that Rey sensed.

HUX  
(Gulps down, sweat rolling down on his forehead)  
I- I’m sorry ma’am. I’m trying to save Re-

(Takes a sharp breath)

Ben.

REN  
I’m right here!

LEIA  
(Laughing, cruel and unforgiving)  
Ben had his second chance. He decided to stab the opportunity in the chest with his Laser Sword.

HUX  
(Gasping, struggling to maintain the connection)  
It’s S-snoke ma’am. Please.

(REN crosses his arms and pouts, offended to be ignore)

LEIA  
(Appears in the room, pacing in front of the desk)  
What will you do, once Snoke will be defeat?

HUX  
(Bite his lip)  
I don’t know ma’am. I just want to save Ben.

LEIA  
(Stops in front of HUX, glaring)  
If you do what I think you want to try, it will end badly.

HUX  
(Stuttering, looking relief)  
It’s the only, I was informed and-

(REN stands up and makes a move to get closer to HUX but disappears  
ANAKIN fades away with a concerned look on his face)

LEIA  
(Grasping HUX by the face with her hand, forcing his eyes to open)  
Luke told me he had a terrible vision in his dreams. I shared the same vision, so listen carefully Brendol Hux. If you try to break the Bond, there will be terrible consequences. Because…

(She grips HUX face harder)

Ben has too many Bonds. He has one with me, one with Snoke and one with you. The ritual will break all these Bonds and it will drive Ben insane.

(Putting emphasis on her next words)

Don’t do it.

HUX  
(Eyes wide open, looking delirious, as he shakes his head frantically)  
I can’t. It’s t-the only way to kill Snoke, we need, I need... to rid the Galaxy of this monster.

LEIA  
(Glaring)  
If you think that I’ll let you sit on that throne once Snoke is dead, you are underestimating me General Hux.

HUX  
(Crumbling against his chair, panting)  
I will rule the Galaxy with Ren and the Knights at my side and your Jedis will die before they even have the time to rise!

LEIA  
(Letting go of his face as if she was burn)  
You are a sick man.

HUX  
(Smiling cruelly)  
And I go along, oh so fine with your son!

(LEIA disappears with a scoff)

HUX  
Ren?

(Closes his eyes and try to call upon REN)

REN!

(Slams his throbbing fist against the table)

KYLO! … BEN! ...

(Nothing happens  
HUX crumbles in his chair and starts to cry)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VI  
SCENE V   


SETTING:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are ready to perform the ritual that will break SNOKE and KYLO REN bond. The items were acquired slowly over a month and time is starting to run short as SNOKE grows more and more suspicious of the KNIGHTS errands.

AT RISE:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are in a cavern far from SNOKE CITADELLE, items placed as instructed by the old texts, KYLO REN lays on the bare ground, wearing a tank top and loose pants, surrounded by ancients markings and dark magic. The KNIGHTS are finishing the lasts touches, none of them wearing their masks or armed.

KYLO  
(Nervously)  
This place gives me the creeps.

TANK  
(Inspecting the circle on the ground, old book in hands)  
So, from what I’ve gathered, Snoke might be a Givin from Yag’Dul. Sure does fit the description. Did you know they can survive in the vacuum of space?

KANGOROO  
(Sarcastically)  
Yep, it's properly dinki di, mate.

DAFT  
(Sitting close to REN’s head but outside the circle drawn on the ground)  
Is everything ready yet?

TRASH  
(Sitting at REN’s feet)  
Can we get this over it already?

(KABOOM and BROMIDIC are sitting on opposite side of REN, nodding)

TANK  
(Standing behind DAFT)  
I think everything is in place.

(The KNIGHTS start chanting and KYLO is lifted a few feet in the air)

DAFT  
(Worried)  
What Is This... I Don’t Even...

TANK  
(Flipping pages of the book in his hand)  
Everything normal, according to the instructions…

(The chanting continue and the veins under KYLO visible skin turn a golden hue  
KYLO throws his head back and screams in agony)

KANGOROO  
(Worryingly)  
Fair dinkum?

(KYLO’s veins turns black, glowing, the screaming turning more raw and desperate)

TANK  
(Making a wide hand gesture, artifacts lifting and absorbing the colors from the veins, like smoke tendrils)  
KEEP GOING, IT’S WORKING!

TRASH  
(Hands coming to cover his ears)  
Your argument is invalid, look at him, he’s screaming his head off!

(KYLO’S veins turn a bright red and the screams change to wails  
The KNIGHTS chanting wavers and the smokes dissipates)

TANK  
The ritual is almost done, HOLD ON!!

(The chanting gets stronger, the last tendrils of red leaving KYLO)

DAFT  
(Looking up at TANK)  
When is he coming down?

(The ground starts to shake  
KYLO loses consciousness)

SNOKE  
(OFF STAGE)  
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FOOLS?

(The ground opens under KYLO and he gets swallowed by it)

SNOKE  
(OFF STAGE)  
Kylo is MINE!

TANK  
(Closing the book, throwing it aside)  
That changes everything!

(BROMIDIC jumps on his feet and runs to his weapons  
The rest of the KNIGHTS follows, gearing up)

KANGOROO  
(Putting his helmet on)  
Beaut. Let's cream Snoke!

(Places his hand forward)

For Kylo and Darth Vader!

(The KNIGHTS put their hands forward)

KNIGHTS  
(Together)  
For Kylo and Darth Vader!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VI  
  
SCENE VI  


SETTING:

The ritual was successful, from a certain point of view, and the KNIGHTS of REN are storming the CITADELLE to go and try to save their leader KYLO REN, and kill SNOKE once and for all. PHASMA has arrived as planned to give a hand to the KNIGHTS to fight off the guards still loyal to the Supreme Leader.

AT RISE:

PHASMA is ducking behind a column, shooting back at SNOKE’s guards. DAFT is following her, firing a few shots before hiding behind PHASMA. A STORMTROOPER dies next to them from a blaster bolt to the chest.

PHASMA  
(Not sparing a glance at the corpse at her feet)  
How much farther to the Throne Room?

DAFT  
(Nods with her helmet in the direction of the room)  
This should be the last round of guards outside the chambers. I will call the others for the final strike.

PHASMA  
(Peeks out of the column and shoot to kill the last guard that tried to get some cover, too later)  
I’ll let General Hux know of our progress.

(DAFT nods and walks down the long corridor, where countless bodies are littering the way  
PHASMA taps on her comlink, waiting for HUX to pick up)

PHASMA  
C’mon… Answer.

(Wait a few moments, but the call is never picked up)

This is making a bad situation worst!

(DAFT is waiting at the double door leading to the Throne Room, waiting for the other KNIGHTS  
BROMIDIC is the first one to join her side)

TRASH  
(Walking up top the KNIGHTS, dragging his Trash Can, half filled with fallen enemies ashes)  
Where is everyone at?

(BROMIDIC singns his answer)

TANK  
(Appearing behind a column)  
I'm here to fuck shit up!

(The rest of the KNIGHTS arrive one by one silently, taking a formation behind DAFT)

KANGOROO  
(Gripping his sniper rifle, gloves creaking)  
I just want you to know guys, that if we die here, it was a pleasure fighting at your sides.

TRASH  
(Starts to laugh)  
Oh Wait. You're serious? Let me laugh even harder!

(BROMIDIC punches TRASH on the shoulder)

TANK  
(Steeling himself)  
As the ancient proverb says: ‘You either die a Hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the Villain’.

(TANKS nods and DAFT exhale, taking a running start before kicking open the doors of the Throne Room)

DAFT  
(Roaring)  
Snoke, what’s good?

TANK  
(Walking in, behind DAFT)  
Knock knock, motherfucker!

(Starts firing at the guards in the room)

KABOOM  
(Charging and screaming)  
WITNESS MEEEEE!!

(Throws grenades in the corners of the room)

TRASH  
(Aiming for the guards)  
FOR THE WIN!

(SNOKE stands up and makes a gesture with his hand, sending a few KNIGHTS flying and crashing on the wall  
The grenades explodes, stalactites falling from the ceiling all around the room)

SNOKE  
(Creating a Force shield to protect himself)  
DON’T YOU DARE! I am warning you, punny Knights, turn around and walk away or else you will DIE!

(PHASMA runs in and shoots at SNOKE  
The bolts are deflected and the Captain falls on her knees, screaming in agony  
The Throne Room is filled with battle noises, the KNIGHTS attacking with everything they have)

SNOKE  
(Cruelly, while defecting bolts shot his way)  
Oh no, you didn’t!

KABOOM  
(Rolling to dodge a bolt sent his way)  
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

(TANK and KANGOROO are firing simultaneously at SNOKE, head on  
BROMIDIC disappears in the shadows after killing a guard with his bare hands)

KANGOROO  
(Killing the last guard with a vibroblade)  
WE NO LONGER SERVE YOU!

(TRASH is shoving bodies in his Trash Can to incinerate the fallen guards, while humming under his breath)

KABOOM  
(Stabbing the dead guard he’s sitting on, over and over)  
PEOPLE DIE IF THEY ARE KILLED!

(BROMIDIC comes out from the shadows behind SNOKE and stabs the Supreme Leader through his heart  
SNOKE is looking at the spear coming out of his chest with a stunned face  
A deflected bolt hits TANK straight in the shoulder)

SNOKE  
(Wide eye)  
IMPOSSIBRUUUU!

TANK  
(Getting up, a hand over his bleeding injury, shouting)  
WHERE IS KYLO?

SNOKE  
(Chuckling darkly, falling on his knees, as his life extinguishes)  
The princess... is in... another… castle…

(Dies, toppling face first in the stairs)

TRASH  
(Walks up to SNOKE, kicking the corpse)  
Just as planned. Nailed it.

TANK  
(Limps next to the corpse to spit on it)  
Totally worth it.

PHASMA  
(Opening her comlink, trying to reach HUX, to no avail)  
That’s not a good news…

DAFT  
(Coming behind PHASMA and settling a hand on her shoulder)  
WINNING! Nothing feels better.

PHASMA  
(Staring at DAFT)  
What are we?

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF ACT)


	7. The Red Carpet Treatment

  
ACT VII  
The Red Carpet Treatment

SCENE I  


SETTING:

Supreme Leader SNOKE is dead and KYLO REN has disappeared. The FIRST ORDER is now receiving orders to reprogram the STORMTROOPERS to obey their future Emperor. PHASMA and the KNIGHTS OF REN are on their way back to the FINALIZER, to let HUX know his soulmate is missing.

AT RISE:

Shuttle doors opens and PHASMA walks out, followed by the KNIGHTS. Standing with his back straight and saluting, MITAKA is the only other presence in the landing bay.

PHASMA  
(Nodding and going straight to business)  
Lieutenant Mitaka. Where is Hux, he hasn’t answer any of my calls!

MITAKA  
(Shaking)  
The Emperor hasn’t been seen on the bridge or anywhere on the ship, since you left. We were given strict orders not to disturb him.

PHASMA  
(Turns and points DAFT and TANK)  
You two, come with me.

(PHASMA strides off, heading straight for HUX quarters, the KNIGHTS following close, MITAKA trailing behind)

DAFT  
I have a bad feeling about this.

MITAKA  
(Jogs up to PHASMA side)  
I already tried several codes to override the door, but it’s lock with the Emperor personal codes, no one has the clearance on board…

TANK  
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Respect.

ANAKIN  
(Waiting next to HUX personal doors, perks up when PHASMA turns the corner)  
Finally some help! I’ve been trying to manipulate a Stormtrooper to open the doors for HOURS!

DAFT  
(Gasping)  
Lord Vader! 

PHASMA  
(Rips the control panel and hot wires the door lock, overriding them)  
Something is very wrong here...

(The doors open with a hiss)

MITAKA  
(Jaw falling open)  
I see what you did there...

PHASMA  
(Striding in)  
BRENDOL?

OBI-WAN  
(Standing next to HUX who’s crumbled on the floor, unconscious)  
Finally, some help! I’ve been worried sick!

MITAKA  
(From the entrance, not daring to get in)  
I’ll go fetch a meddroid.

(EXIT MITAKA)

PHASMA  
(Kneeling next to HUX, taking his pulse)  
He’s alive. Barely.

ANAKIN  
(Standing behind TANK)  
I can’t feel his presence with the Force!

TANK  
(Kneels on the floor, hands hovering above HUX)  
He seems to be physically fine.

PHASMA  
(Picking up HUX and walking to his bed)  
I bet it’s some Force shenanigans that’s behind it!

ANAKIN  
(Offended)  
They’re the one that screwed up!

DAFT  
(Gasping in horror)  
The bond! 

OBI-WAN  
(Glaring at DAFT)  
What about it?

TANK  
(Horror written on his features)  
We broke him.

OBI-WAN  
(Staring at DAFT)  
COME AGAIN?

PHASMA  
(Tucking HUX under the covers)  
What are you talking about?

DAFT  
(Shaking)  
Everything changed when the ritual was accomplished. Ren’s Bonds were destroyed... all of them.

(OBI-WAN gasps, putting a hand over his heart)

PHASMA  
(Taking her helmet off, sighing and passing a hand in her blond hair)  
You had ONE job! Destroy Snoke’s Bond, not loose Ren and incapacitate the Emperor!

TANK  
Well, sucks to be him!

(ANAKIN growls at TANK)

PHASMA  
(Growling)  
I suggest you get out of here before I rip you apart, limbs by limbs, with my bare hands, and beat you up to death with them.

TANK  
(Lifts his hands in surrender and walks backward)  
Fine, but I’m the only Force user of the lot.

PHASMA  
(Closes her eyes and clenches her fists)  
Wait.

MITAKA  
(Walks in with a meddroid on his tail)  
Is everything fine in here?

PHASMA  
(Turns toward HUX laying in his bed)  
He didn’t move.

(PHASMA watches as the meddroid scans and frets over HUX)

MITAKA  
(Checks his datapad as information scrolls down, hands shaking)  
The droid... can’t find anything wrong with him.

PHASMA  
(Turns toward TANK)  
What’s next?

TANK  
(Sits at the foot of the bed on the floor, in a meditation pose)  
We call for help.

OBI-WAN  
(Bending and shouting in TANK ears)  
IF YOU HEAR THIS, IT’S TOO LATE!

TANK  
(Wincing)  
Not you.

(Points at ANAKIN)

Not you either.

(Closes his eyes and sighs)

I’m calling in on an old friend.

(Everyone stares at TANK, who meditates)

YODA  
(Appearing)  
Yet, miss me, yes?

TANK  
(Not opening his eyes)  
Not you either Master Yoda.

YODA  
(Shaking his cane)  
Regret this, you will!

TANK  
(Exhales)  
We’ll see.

(PHASMA and MITAKA look at each other confused)

ANAKIN  
(Gasping)  
SNIPS!

ASHOKA  
(Force Ghost, appearing behind TANK)  
You have a lot of nerves, calling me here!

ANAKIN  
ASHOKA!

(Run and slams in ASHOKA, hugging her in a tight grip)

I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, SNIPS!

ASHOKA  
(Grumbling and pushing ANAKIN away)  
And to top it all, he’s here!

OBI-WAN  
(Waving shyly at ASHOKA)  
It’s nice to see again, Ashoka.

ASHOKA  
(Nodding, coldly)  
Obi-Wan.

TANK  
(Opening an eye)  
Is the reunion done?

ASHOKA  
Oh, please! What do you want now?

TANK  
We… might have broken too many Force Bonds?

ASHOKA  
(Raising her arms in the air)  
There’s nothing I can do about that!

TANK  
(Shake his head)  
No, but you have hands on experience with lost souls.

ASHOKA  
(Looks up, desperate)  
Why meee?

TANK  
I can’t do this alone. We’ve done it before, together. Help me find the path again. Please, Ashoka.

ANAKIN  
(Poking ASHOKA from a few feet away)  
Should I know this guy?

TANK  
(Chuckles)  
We met a couple of time. Back when my name was Ezra Bridger.

OBI-WAN  
(Whispering to ANAKIN)  
I don’t know this guy.

ASHOKA  
(Annoyed)  
Yes, yes. Are you done with the dramatic reveal?

TANK  
(Shakes his head, smirking)  
Quite done. Shall we?

(ASHOKA hesitates a few seconds, ANAKIN making puppy eyes at her)

ANAKIN  
Please, he’s my grandson soulmate!

ASHOKA  
(Groans, sitting down next to TANK)  
I still think I’ll be of no help.

(TANK and ASHOKA bend their head forward  
Time passes, everyone in the room moves around, equipment is brought in and plugged on HUX  
KNIGHTS get in and out, Force Ghosts appearing and disappearing  
ASHOKA and TANK are not moving  
MITAKA walks in and goes to HUX bed side)

DAFT  
(Worried, eyes fix on TANK)  
It’s been three days!

MITAKA  
(Fretting at the machines plugged on HUX)  
We’ll have to move him to the Med Bay soon, he can’t…

PHASMA  
Not yet.

TANK  
(Sighs and open an eye)  
Did you see that?

ASHOKA  
(Nods)  
I’ll call the others.

TANK  
(Groans and gets up on shaking legs)  
We’ve-

(Almost falls over, but BROMIDIC catches him)

Thank you. There’s nothing we can do about the Emperor, but we had a vision that might lead us to Kylo.

(ANAKIN, OBI-WAN, YODA, WINDU and QUI-GON appear)

ANAKIN  
How is Bredol?

ASHOKA  
(Looks at HUX with a mixt of pity and sadness)  
There’s nothing we can do. He’s trapped… somewhere? Kylo might be the only one that can bring him back…

(MITAKA lets out a whine, falling at the Emperor bedside, weeping)  
DAFT (Stares at TANK) What about the vision? TANK It might be something else, don’t get your hopes yet. We saw mostly sand… ANAKIN (Interrupting) Tatooine! QUI-GON It could be anywhere Ana- ANAKIN (Interrupting QUI-GON) There’s a long history with this planet! PHASMA It could be Jakku… TANK We’re on it. Hunting Force Users is our specialty. 

(Turns and look at PHASMA)

You stay here and keep watch over the Emperor.

(Pats BROMIDIC on the chest)

Let’s go tell the other we have a new mission

(EXIT the KNIGHTS OF REN)

ANAKIN  
(Takes a step toward ASHOKA, hesitant)  
Call me maybe?

ASHOKA  
(Disappearing)  
We’ll see..

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VII  
SCENE II  


SETTING:

The KNIGHTS OF REN are on a quest to find their leader, KYLO REN, as they scour the sandy planets of the Galaxy. PHASMA had HUX moved to medbay where he’s hooked on machines to keep him alive, while she commands the troops in his absence. The FIRST ORDER is rising quickly and is in desperate need of it’s Emperor.

AT RISE:

HUX is lying in a bed in medbay, meddroids fretting over him. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are standing by the Emperor’s bed, watching him with increasing worry.

ANAKIN  
I hope the Knights will find him soon!

OBI-WAN  
(Crossing his arms under his Jedi robes)  
I had a vision of him living a long life Anakin, things will turn out fine… eventually.

(HUX is starting to toss and turns in his bed, clearly in pain)

ANAKIN  
That can’t be good…

(MITAKA walks in, a worried look on his face)

MITAKA  
(Snapping at a droid)  
Report!

MEDDROID  
There’s nothing wrong with him, Sir, yet he seems to be in incredible pain.

OBI-WAN  
That must be Kylo…

MITAKA  
(Sighs and rubs his face)  
Sedate him.

(Grabs his commlink)

General Phasma. The Emperor is under severe pain again.

(HUX lets out a long whine, trashing harder as the droid try to sedate him)

MITAKA  
(Snapping)  
Get down here!

(Turns the comlink off, walking to HUX side)

ANAKIN  
I hate feeling helpless like that…

(Silence falls, everyone in the room watching HUX calming down)

PHASMA  
(Striding in)  
He’s getting worst?

(MITAKA nods, eyes filled with tears)

PHASMA  
(Sighs, pacing around the room)  
We can continue this charade only for so long. The Emperor needs to show himself…

MITAKA  
We… could clone him?

PHASMA  
(Stops dead in her tracks)  
Are you insane?

MITAKA  
(Blushes, eyes cast downward)  
It would buy us some time…

ANAKIN  
Not sure Hux will be a fan of this plan.

OBI-WAN  
(Shrugging)  
Too bad he can’t protest.

PHASMA  
(Starts to pace again)  
He’s going to be so mad…

(A STORMTROOPER walks in, saluting)

STORMTROOPER  
General Phasma. The Knights of Ren sent a message for you.

(A holopad is handed to her)

Transmission decoded is on there.

(Salutes and leaves  
EXIT STORMTROOPER)

MITAKA  
(Looking at the holopad, breathless)  
G-general?

PHASMA  
(Finger hovering over the message)  
Let’s hope it’s good news…

(The message is pressed open, TANK appearing, wearing his helmet)

TANK  
(Sounding far away, voice drowned by strong wind)  
We have searched over 12 planets so far, and no traces of Kylo. Tatooine and Jakku were amongst the firsts to be visited and no one saw him. We have three planets left…. After that we’re coming back to the Finalizer, regroup and think of a new strategy. I will let you know when we are on our way back, General Phasma. Tank out.

PHASMA  
(Hands shaking, holopad creaking)  
More bad news…

OBI-WAN  
(Leaning towards ANAKIN)  
Told you it wasn’t Tatooine.

ANAKIN  
(Frustrated)  
But I SAW him there!

OBI-WAN  
(Shrugging)  
You know these visions aren’t reliable…

MITAKA  
(Walking next to PHASMA)  
What’s next, General?

PHASMA  
(Head bowing down in defeat)  
We hope for a miracle…

ANAKIN  
(Snaps his head up)  
Do you feel that?

OBI-WAN  
(Bending over HUX, watching him closely)  
Yes… I do feel it. What is it?

(The bed HUX is laying on starts to shake, equipment in the medbay falling on the ground  
PHASMA and MITAKA are thrown on the ground)

ANAKIN  
WHAT’S GOING ON?

MITAKA  
(Getting up on trembling legs)  
I think we are under attack!

PHASMA  
(Jaw dropping, eyes fixed on HUX)  
Mitaka…

(HUX is floating a few inches above the bed, veins glowing red, visible under the sheet still covering him)

OBI-WAN  
T-that’s the Bond!

HUX  
(Opens his eyes and takes in a deep breath)  
What the kriff?

(Turns his head and see everyone staring at him with jaws on the floor)

What?

(Annoyed)

Can’t someone help me down?

(PHASMA and MITAKA stare with open mouths  
ANAKIN touches HUX arm, gently lowering him to the bed)

HUX  
(Slowly sits up)  
How long was I out?

OBI-WAN  
(Crossing his arms under his Jedi robes)  
You were out for a week.

MITAKA  
(Steps forward, shaking)  
S-sir. We were so worried.

HUX  
(Sighs and nods)  
I know. I had… I was…

(Falls silent for a moment)

I know where Kylo is.

PHASMA  
(Walks next to HUX, settling a hand on his shoulder)  
The Knights are after him. Tell me where he is, and they’ll go retrieve him.

HUX  
(Looks up at PHASMA)  
He’s on Naboo.

PHASMA  
(Looks at MITAKA)  
Go. Tell the Knights.

(MITAKA nods, saluting and leaving a hurry  
EXIT MITAKA)/

PHASMA  
(Taking a step back, salutes HUX)  
Please rest, Emperor. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow.

HUX  
(Makes a dismissive gesture with his hand)  
No needs for formalities, Phasma. Just…

(Sighs and looks very fragile for a moment)

Promise me you’ll get him back.

PHASMA  
I swear it on the heads of my Stormtroopers.

(Nods, eyes cast downward)

Now rest, I’ll keep you updates on Ren’s recovery mission.

HUX  
(Lays back down in the bed, meddroid buzzing around him as they unplug the tubes and clear the machines)  
I do feel rather exhausted…

PHASMA  
I’ll come around later.

(Salutes and turns around to leave  
EXIT PHASMA)

ANAKIN  
(Patting down the sheet on HUX bed)  
You’ll see him soon, just rest.

HUX  
(Grumbles under his breath, already half-asleep)  
Just get out and let me sleep...

OBI-WAN  
(Bagning pots)  
I DIDN’T GET NO FUCKING SLEEP ‘CAUSE OF Y'ALL! Y'ALL NOT GONNA GET NO SLEEP CAUSE OF ME!

(ANAKIN rips the pans off from OBI-WAN grasps and whacks him over the head with it)

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VII  
SCENE III  


SETTING:

The KNIGHTS have successfully rescued KYLO REN and are making their way toward the FINALIZER to deliver him to HUX. The trip back is unfortunately delayed by a malfunction of the ship, or so HUX is told.

AT RISE:

It’s been a week since KYLO REN was rescued and his arrival aboard the FINALIZER had been set back, making HUX more weary and nervous. He looks like a wreck, dark shadow under his eyes, beard unshaven, barely holding it together as the shuttle finally lands in the hangard. He’s alone to greet the KNIGHTS.

(The ramp lowers and DAFT walks down briskly, going straight for HUX)

DAFT  
(Kneeling in front of HUX)  
Our mission was a success, my Emperor. I do have to report something…

(HUX is not listening, his eyes are fixed on the shuttle, heart hammering in his chest)

DAFT  
(Taking her helmet off, frowning)  
My Emperor. 

HUX  
(Startled, looks down at her)  
What is it?

DAFT  
(Pained expression)  
He’s... Kylo…

HUX  
(Huffs, exasperated)  
What now?

(TANKS appears on the shuttle ramp, maskless, gently tugging on the hand he’s holding  
KYLO comes to view, eyes fixed on the ground, following meekly)

HUX  
(Eyes open wide in shock)  
REN!

(TANK looks at KYLO with hope, tugging on the hand again  
From the distance HUX can’t hear what is said as TANK leans close to KYLO)

DAFT  
(Voice tight in her throat)  
We found him… broken. He can’t speak, barely recognizes any of us. He only trusts Tank so far. I’m glad you didn’t see the conditions he was in, when we retrieved him…

(HUX barely registers what is said, taking a step toward the ship  
TANK pushes a terrorized KYLO forward, encouraging him with a smile  
Time seems to slow down as KYLO and HUX walk toward each other  
When they meet, KYLO is hunched over, trying to make himself appear as small as possible)

KYLO  
(Voice trembling, tears in his eyes)  
I-I’m sorry. I-I was t-t-told I… knew you?

(HUX feels a pang of pain in his chest, feature stoic as his heart breaks)

HUX  
(Back straight, voice cool, nothing betraying his desperate state)  
Welcome back, Lord Ren. The Knights will see you to your quarters and I’ll come by to debrief you at a later time.

(TANK gently grabs KYLO by the arm)

TANK  
C’mon big fella. You need some rest.

(ANAKIN appears in front of HUX, looking worried)

ANAKIN  
Brendol, what’s wrong? I felt a disturbance in the Force!

KYLO  
(Lifting his head, eyes wide)  
W-who is that?

ANAKIN  
(Taking a step toward KYLO, hopeful)  
I’m your Grandfather.

KYLO  
(Takes a step back, terrorized)  
I… I…

(Looks at HUX)

I’m tired…

(HUX nods toward TANK)

TANK  
(Gently tugs KYLO by his arm)  
Come. I’ll show you to your quarters.

(TANK leads KYLO away  
HUX’s eyes are fixed forward, watching as the rest of the KNIGHTS get off the shuttle  
EXIT TANK & KYLO)

KANGAROO (Stops in front of HUX and claps him on the shoulder) I’m sorry, mate. Dude Emperor. HUX (Shrugs the hand off) You found him. That’s what matters. 

(PHASMA walks in, wearing her armor and cape but no mask  
TRASH stands behind HUX, crossing his arms, BROMIDIC to his left  
DAFT stands up, putting her mask on and turning to face PHASMA)

PHASMA  
(Stops next to DAFT, staring at HUX)  
My Emperor, you are needed on the bridge. Something went wrong in the attack!

HUX  
(Snarling)  
Heads will roll.

ANAKIN  
(Shivering)  
Oooh! Look at him, the perfect Emperor. With Kylo on his side, they will be unstoppable.

HUX  
(Quoting his favourite speech, the one from that tipping moment)  
All remaining systems will bow to the First Order.

TRASH  
I have the weirdest boner right now...

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VII  
SCENE IV  


SETTING:

The Leader of the KNIGHTS OF REN, KYLO REN, has lost his memories since his Force Bonds were broken by the spell. He hasn’t spoken a word since he was rescued, locked away in his personal quarters. EMPEROR HUX is overworked by the last failure of the invasion and has been away from the FINALIZER for three days.

AT RISE:

HUX is shouting at a holoscreen, slamming his hand on the desk, red in the face. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are pacing behind him, looking worried. The door opens and PHASMA walks in.

ANAKIN  
(YELLING AT HUX)  
IT’S TIME TO STOP!

PHASMA  
Disconnect the call, this is extraction Alpha-

HUX  
(Turning around, interrupting PHASMA)  
Get out, or I swear on the First Order-

PHASMA  
(Grabbing HUX by the arm, pulling him toward the door)  
There’s no time to explain, get in the shuttle Hux!

(HUX is dragged to the shuttle, shoved in a seat between BROMIDIC and TANK)

TANK  
(Cheerfully)  
Hello, my Emperor!

HUX  
(Sputtering)  
Wh-what’s going on?

PHASMA  
(Walking toward the cockpit)  
I told you Hux, extraction Alpha!

HUX  
(Scandalized)  
That’s when my life's in danger!

PHASMA  
(Turns around and yells)  
OR A MEMBER OF YOUR COURT!

(PHASMA sighs, raking a hand through her short hair)

Kylo is in a very bad state, he needs you. I’ll take over, we won two hours ago, you should have gone back to him right then!

HUX  
(Looks sideway)  
I can’t let these idiots handle anything!

PHASMA  
(Closing her eyes, repeating slowly)  
I said I’ll take over.

HUX  
I didn’t choose the First Order, the First Order choose ME!

PHASMA  
(Opens her eyes, glaring at HUX)  
Go and take care of him.

(HUX scoffs, looking at the FINALIZER growing bigger as they get closer  
ANAKIN appears next to HUX)

ANAKIN  
You are scared. I can feel it.

TANK  
The Emperor being scared isn’t normal… but on meth it is…

HUX  
(Rub his eyes)  
Could you all shut up? Or get me caff?

TANK  
(Hands HUX a vase with red mist swirling in it)  
It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.

HUX  
(Trying to push the object back in TANK’s hands)  
NOPE

PHASMA  
(Exasperated)  
I’m getting real tired of your shit Hux!

(BROMIDIC moves his hands, TANK watching)

TANK  
He says: ‘Why you heff to be mad?’

(BROMIDIC signs quickly, head shaking no)

HUX  
(Sighs deeply)  
I don’t even know what to do with this…

ANAKIN  
(With a cryptic voice)  
The Force will guide you!

TANK  
Or you can break it?

OBI-WAN  
(Appearing next to ANAKIN, shaking his head)  
I would not advise that course of actions.

HUX  
(Groaning)  
Oh, for the love of-

ANAKIN  
(Screaming on top of HUX)  
THE FORCE!

PHASMA  
(Looking out of the window)  
We just landed. Do I need to escort you to Lord Ren’s quarter, or can I trust that you will go directly there?

TANK  
Master Anakin, if you could please make sure?

ANAKIN  
(Shaking his head, proudly)  
I shall! Move your ass ginger, it’s happy ending time!

HUX  
(Snorting and getting off the shuttle, pressing the vase against him)  
And what makes you think that I’ll have a happy ending, mhh?

ANAKIN  
(Walking next to HUX)  
Because I saw it in a vision!

(HUX and ANAKIN bickers while they get down the shuttle’s ramp  
EXIT HUX & ANAKIN)

TANK  
(Leaning toward PHASMA)  
Is he always salty like that?

PHASMA  
(Grunts)  
Yes. Yes he his.

TANK  
(Nods)  
He’s perfect for Kylo.

OBI-WAN  
(Crossing his arms under his Jedi robe)  
Everything went better than expected.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VII  
SCENE V  


SETTING:

KYLO REN has shut himself in his quarter and hasn’t spoken to anyone since his arrival on board of the FINALIZER. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN have dropped by numerous time but neither could get a word out of the lethargic KNIGHT OF REN.

AT RISE:

KYLO REN is laying in his bed, covered in sweat and trashing, clearly having a nightmare. YODA is hovering over the burn mask on the pedestal, frowning deeply. The doors open with a hiss, HUX walks in, ANAKIN following.

(HUX walks to KYLO’s side, setting the vase delicately on the night stand)

HUX  
(Sitting on the bed, hand raising toward KYLO’s brow, hesitating)  
If you could wake up and remember me, that would be great..

ANAKIN  
Deal with it!

HUX  
(Lying next to KYLO)  
I'll just lay here and pretend to be asleep…

(Silence falls, KYLO stop trashing and wraps himself around HUX  
They sleep peacefully)

YODA  
Ship them, I do!

ANAKIN  
(Looking at them fondly)  
Me too..

(Makes a gesture with his hand, the vase falling on the floor and breaking)

(Red mist evaporates from the broken shards  
KYLO opening his eyes and sits straight in his bed, heart hammering)

KYLO  
(Looking at HUX, puzzled)  
Who…?

ANAKIN  
(Looking at KYLO, pain in his eyes)  
Don’t you remember?

KYLO  
(Shakes his head, eyes fixed on HUX)  
He’s gorgeous.

YODA  
That dick, he craves, yeees?

(KYLO strokes HUX beard, disgust written on his features)

HUX  
(Stirring and waking up)  
Kylo?

KYLO  
(Blushing, letting his hand fall on the bed)  
You.. You’d look better without a beard.

HUX  
(Snorts and gets up, heading for the fresher)  
Somethings don’t change…

KYLO  
(Gets up and follows HUX)  
You don’t HAVE too!

HUX  
(Lathering his cheeks with shaving cream, rolling his eyes)  
You’ve been pestering me about that since Starkiller Base was destroyed!

(HUX shaves in silence, KYLO watching his every move)

KYLO  
(Softly under his breath)  
The more you know…

HUX  
(Face half shaven, pointing KYLO with the razor)  
They won’t leave me alone until this...

(He makes a gesture between them)

Is resolve. So help me out.

KYLO  
(Shoulders slumping)  
I don’t know what to do.

HUX  
(Grabs a towel and dries his face)  
I know the feeling…

(Turns and faces KYLO)

Just… Follow your instincts.

(KYLO looks at HUX for a long time in silence  
HUX huffs and walks back to the bed)

HUX (Noticing the broken vase, sighs) Close enough… 

(KYLO appears behind HUX, twisting his hands)

KYLO  
(Lifting a hand)  
Can I… Can I touch your hair?

HUX  
(Sits on the bed, trying to relax, eyes fixed on the floor)  
You may.

(KYLO walks closer, kneeling in front of HUX, at eye level  
He raises one hand slowly, shaking)

KYLO  
(Gasping, eyes opening wide as his hand cards through HUX’s hair)  
Bren…

HUX  
(Snaps his eyes up, widening with hope)  
Kylo?

(KYLO’s veins burn a bright red, objects around them moving, exploding, falling to the ground  
HUX bends forward and kisses KYLO  
They kiss for a long time, whimpering and panting)

KYLO  
(Breaking the kiss, resting his forehead against HUX)  
I missed you so much. I love you.

HUX  
(Closes his eyes, a single tear rolling on his cheek)  
I love you too. Marry me.

KYLO  
(Gasps, tears falling on his cheeks)  
Yes. Yes, please, that’s all I want in the whole Universe.

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(END OF SCENE)

  
ACT VII  
SCENE VI  


SETTING:

KYLO REN and the EMPEROR HUX got married in front of the whole Galaxy, on NABOO. They are the favourite power couple and the FIRST ORDER is reigning with an iron fist the universe. The RESISTANCE is defeated and no one dares oppose the FIRST ORDER EMPIRE.

AT RISE:

HUX is sitting on his throne, KYLO draped on him, one hand petting his hair, looking bored. The crew of the FINALIZER is busy around them, ANAKIN and OBI-WAN standing next to the love birds. MITAKA is standing at parade rest, giving a report. The KNIGHTS OF REN and PHASMA are standing in the corner, listening.

MITAKA  
They hope that their plea will move you and spare them from invasion.

HUX  
(In a dry and cold tone)  
I am in glass case of emotions.

KYLO  
(Smiles and kisses HUX neck)  
Just let it go!

OBI-WAN  
(Starts to sing)  
LET IT GOOOO, LET IT GOOOOO!!!

(The scene freezes, ANAKIN moves forward, a spotlight shining on him  
BACKGROUND FADES TO BLACK)

ANAKIN  
And this is how this story ends. My grandson reunited with the Emperor, loving and loved by his soulmate, and they lived happily ever after!

PALPATINE  
(Appears above the throne, cloaked, only his mouth visible)  
Goooooood! I shipped them so hard!

MITAKA  
(Walks next to ANAKIN, a mic in hand)  
It can’t be the end yet! There’s so many thing left unsaid!

ANAKIN  
(Looking at MITAKA, puzzled)  
I beg your pardon?

MITAKA  
(Points at a corner where PHAMA and DAFT stand close to each other)  
What about the sexual tension between these two?

(The scene unfreeze, KYLO petting HUX hair while laughing at OBI-WAN signing  
PHASMA rolls her eyes, looking at DAFT fondly)

DAFT  
(Looking at PHASMA)  
Hello my future girlfriend!

TRASH  
(Pointing KYLO and HUX snuggling)  
YOU ARE SITTING ON A THRONE OF LIES!

ANAKIN  
(Sighs, covering his hears with both hands)  
Maybe you don’t want it to end, but I do!

MITAKA  
It WAS suppose to be a play with only Six Acts. I guess all good things must come to an end...

(NYAN CAT cruises by the FINALIZER, no music, just the endless rainbow in the void of space  
A giant dancing baby floats by)

MITAKA  
(Looking at the dancing baby)  
That’s an older meme, but it checks out. Any last hurrahs?

ANAKIN  
WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS STOP?

TRASH  
Somedays you just can’t get rid of a meme!

OBI-WAN  
(Glaring at Mitaka)  
You went full meme, man. Never go full meme.

MITAKA  
Still, I have the last word. And I’ll say: “Dank memes!”

(MITAKA drops the mic)

(SCENE FADE TO BLACK)  


(A spotlight shines on a STORMTROOPER bending down and picking up the mic)

STORMTROOPER  
(Grumbling under his breath)  
These things are expensive!

(FADE TO BLACK)  
(FIN)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will NEVER EVER again code a fic like that! It's TOO INSANE! Stay tune for the bonus chapter: VISUAL GUIDE.


	8. VISUAL GUIDE

 

 

 

  
THE RED HERRING  
A Play in Seven Acts  
by  
Dopheld Mitaka

THE VISUAL GUIDE

 

First of all, I would like to take this moment to properly thank the MANY people that helped me out during this adventure!

 

[Kay](http://doctor-aphra.tumblr.com/) < Did a wonderful gif that didn't get to be used sadly!

[Mirita](http://doremi391.tumblr.com/) < My young Padawan, kicked my ass over and over so I would finish this

[Xander](http://zombiebrainsoup.tumblr.com/) < For helping me out with KANGOROO's speech!

[Rex](http://rex--magnus.tumblr.com/) < For listening to me whine about the coding

[Cat](http://sweet-refractor.tumblr.com/) < For letting me borrow their concept for [DAFT the fangirl Knight](http://sweet-refractor.tumblr.com/post/143252704895/crackheadcanon-one-of-the-knights-of-ren-is-a)

[Molly](http://mob-lake.tumblr.com/) < For Beta'ing this monster

[YOU](http://jadaibergolla.tumblr.com/) < Sorry I couldn't find your name D8 Inspired me with [this scene](http://jadaibergolla.tumblr.com/post/138698678815/windu-bitch-wat-yoda-bitch-u-kno)

[EVERYONE ON THIS CHAT](https://join.skype.com/y9tIC2RdMQUh) I love them all <3

 

ACT I

Anakin reacts to BEN

 

ACT II

Mace Windu has had enough of your shit

 

ACT III

Shoop da Whoop

 

ACT IV

[Ren's dress](http://www.chictopia.com/photo/show/343830-New+Face-red-alexander-mcqueen-dress-black-alexander-mcqueen-shoes)

 

ACT V

Yoda is tired of your shit Kylo

 

ACT VI

ANAKIN/Vader Form

 

The KNIGHTS OF REN

 

TANK

Ezra Bridgers

Yes I went there!

 

DAFT

Aquala

Female is on the right

 

TRASH

Gotal

 

KANGOROO

Rodian

 

Heavily based on this fucker

KABOOM

Gand

Aaand this is the end! I hope [Arnolost](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost) liked it, sorry it took forever to finish this.

 

*Bows*

|=0=| - - - |=0=| - - - -

 


End file.
